Fred 27

Issue 27

Magazine

BM                        Greetings!!


Hello,  and  welcome to what was meant to be my first full issue
of  FRED.  I say "meant to be", because Colin ended up compiling
most  of  the  mag as usual! He's meant to pass on all the disks
that get sent to him, but it seems he loves looking through your
disks  too  much  to  let me do that part of the job! Maybe next
month Colin?


Last  month's  issue was a little late due to the fact that FRED
is now professionally duplicated. Sorry about that, but the idea
behind  that was that it'd allow more time for more constructive
activities. Eventually things will be running smoothly again; if
you  could  just  bear  with  us  until that time, we'd be jolly
grateful  indeed...  Hopefully  things'll be back to normal in a
month or so anyway, but if your issue isn't with you on time you
know why.


BM                       FRED News

We're pleased to announce that yet more FRED software titles are
now available; in case you weren't already spoilt for choice you
can  now  buy  Etracker,  the  best  music  package for an 8-bit
computer,  for  the humble price of £29.99. That's if you're not
a FRED subscriber of course. If, like millions of others, you DO
subscribe  to FRED, you get it for the humbler than humble price
of £26!

You  can  also  buy  another  couple of games - Bulgulators, the
"maze  game  with a twist" (bit of advertising speak there), and
Waterworks,  a  colourful  arcade/puzzle  game. Each is £9.99 to
non-subscribers, but with the subbers' discount, a mere £9 each.

Remember,  to  qualify  for  a discount, you must have taken out
a  subscription  and  not  simply have bought one issue. We will
accept  subscription  orders  in  the  same envelope as software
orders and let the discounts apply.

(I'll  fill this bit up so Colin can't moan about space-wasting)
BM                      News In General

Those  of  you  who  are  waiting  desperately for a spreadsheet
package  will  be  delighted  by  the  news  that Revelation are
releasing  one.  It's expected that it'll be out sometime around
Christmas,  and  at  the  price  of £24.95, but we can't confirm
that.

The  Secretary  is now released, and the general response so far
is  that  it's "well worth the wait".  You can read the official
FRED  review  next  month, but I can tell you now that what I've
seen  of it is impressive enough (betcha can't wait!). Secretary
normally  costs  £14.95, but FRED subscribers get it for £12.95.
Get it from:
                      Revelation Software,
                          [redacted]

(Enclose your sub no., or they'll think you're telling porkies!)
BM         Unbelieveable Degrees of Generosity Ahoy!!

It's  cunning marketing time now folks; some juicy Packs for you
to get your chops round (as long as you order before 1993...).

The  first  one is the Creation Pack. This consists of Etracker,
and  Gamesmaster  -  all  you need to "create" your own software
(see, we DO think about these things!). The best news about this
pack  is  the price though - normal retail price of £55, you can
buy  it  for £50. If, however, you have a FRED subscription, you
can  get  the  pack  for  £40  - an amazing saving of £15 on the
individual items!!

The  second pack is the, ahem, Variety Pack, because, well, it's
got  a  lot  of  variety  to  it  really!  This pack consists of
Impatience, Parallax, and the FREDatives; normally £30, it costs
£25 to non-subbers and £20 to people with FRED subs.

Our final act of kindness this month is that we're offering free
samples  of  ETracker  music! Just send a blank disk and an SSAE
and we'll do the rest!
BM                Subbing - The Pros and Cons

Hopefully  if you've been paying attention you will have spotted
the  fact  that  FRED subscribers always seem to get a few extra
pounds  off the cost of things. If you aren't a FRED subscriber,
this  is  probably  rather  annoying. So, why not subscribe? Not
only will it be more convenient for you - just sit back and wait
for  your monthly dose of FRED without writing endless cheques -
but you also save stacks of cash!

We  at  FRED  have  spent  literally seconds working out that in
this  issue alone, you can save £23 just by being a subscriber!!
Not  bad  eh?  But  there's  even  more!  FRED  subscribers  get
automatic  discounts  on  Revelation  software,  as well as many
other bits and pieces floating around.

FRED  subscriptions.  Probably  even  better  than  a Blue Peter
badge. (How's that for a slogan!).

The   only   "con"   about  subscribing  to  FRED  is  that  you
occasionally have to listen to Colin, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
CM                  Copyright breach shock!

It  appears one of my fellow editors has been a naughty boy - on
Enceladus  12,  there was playable demo of Mr Pac, the game that
is now called The Bulgulators.

As  most  of  you will be aware, one of the contributing reasons
for  SAMCo's downfall was blamed on playable demos - too much is
given  away  and apparently people think "Well, I've got some of
the  levels  already  so why should I spend £l0 when I can't get
past  level  2!".  For  this  reason,  a  non-playable  demo was
specially written for FRED26.

The demo on Enceladus 12 was used entirely without permission of
the  author  (Mat  of  ESI)  or the copyright holder (FRED). The
inclusion  of  this  demo will affect sales of the finished game
and  already  several hundred pounds has been put into releasing
Bulgulators so it's too late to scrap it.



CM                  Copyright breach shock!

Because  of Graham Burtenshaw's breach of copyright, I will lose
money.  Normally,  I  would  very easily claim this back as lost
profits from Graham, but this was not to be.

Everyone that bought a copy of Enceladus 12 was sent a letter of
apology  from  Graham  and  a  letter from me explaining that it
would be illegal to copy that demo.

Also  on  the  same  issue  was  a  playable  demo of a possible
forthcoming  release  "Snake  Mania". The demo included was very
early  and  because  Graham  included  it,  it is unlikely to be
released anymore.

So you see, for just one person, he's made a pretty good attempt
at ruining the SAM software scene for this Christmas.




CM               A new way of communicating!!!

Yes, now that I'm at college, I can send and receive EMail. For
the uneducated, it's simply text files down the phone line job -
so if you can use EMail or you are at College / University which
is in JANET (Joint Academic NETwork), you can send messages
direct and instantly to me!!!!!

My EMail name is : CBS%UK.AC.DUNDEE-TECH::MCSCS1CGM

Sounds long winded but if you type that in when it asks you for
the name of the user you wish to "mail", and I'll get your
message 30 seconds later!!!!

There is a danger of the EMail system being disabled from 9-5,
so if you can't get through, try after 5.15pm.

If your system has any little stories, pictures etc then mail
them to me and I'll send a load of the stuff going about here!!

PS The EMail address for AXE is [redacted]
BM                  "Hilarious" Coincidences

Colin  and  I were kind of discussing the fact that our initials
in  the top corner are fairly similar - BM / CM (we like to have
these  deep  conversations every now and again), and he happened
to  mention that people sometimes think we have the same surname
(ie  Colin McConnell or Brian Macdonald). We thought, then, that
we'd  use this spare page to clear that little misunderstanding;
I  am  Brian McConnell (sounds a bit melodramatic that, really),
and he's Colin Macdonald. So now you know.

Just  to  confuse things a bit more, Colin has a little brother,
whose name IS Brian Macdonald. Completely crazy and hilarious or
what!


   (I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY PAYING HIM FOR THIS!!! - CM)




BM                       Spell Master

We've  just  discovered  that  in the special offers section, we
forgot  to  mention  that  you can also buy Spell Master for the
reduced   price   of   £12.99  for  non-subbers,  or  £11.99  to
subscribers.  Remember though, that we must receive the order by
31st December 1992 for the discount to apply. Okay? Good.

Seeing  as  we're  left  with a rather ugly space, here are some
quotes about Spell Master:

"excellent value for money"

"Whether  you  are  a  serious  writer  who  can't spell, a good
speller  who  can't  type,  or  a crossword/anagram addict, this
program will make your life easier"

(Quotes taken from Spell Master review in Format, October 1992).



BM                     Telly Programme News

Has  anybody seen the new computer program on ITV by any chance?
It's  called "Bad Influence" and, as far as I can tell, is aimed
at  the  sort  of  people  who  ought  not  to  be  allowed near
computers.  Now,  I've nothing against uncharismatic people with
lisps,  but  why  do  they employ such people as TV presenters?!
There  are  what  claim  to  be "game reviews", and in the first
programme   this   meant   a selection of terrible actors giving
such  pearls  of  wisdom  as  "er,  the uh, sound is, like, very
realistic and it um, really sounds like you're in a er, cavern."

Hopefully  this  programme  will not last long, and maybe we can
get  a  decent computer show (ie one focusing on a certain 8-bit
British computer).

(And  Gamesmaster's  crap  as  well. Though not as bad as "Micro
Live" with Fred "Ooh I do love BBCs" Harris).



BM         Shock Horror - Computer Game Im IQ Link!

Whilst  reading  innocently  through a copy of a Reader's Digest
(ahem,  not  something  I  do  regularly.  Um, I was just bored.
Honest)  there  was  an  article  about brains and things.  They
found a way of monitoring which part of the brain is being used,
and  when  volunteers  rigged up to the monitors played games of
Tetris,  it was found that at first their brains used up a large
amount of energy.

After  a  few  weeks  practice though, the amount of energy used
decreased  dramatically  and  the scores increased 700%.  It was
also  found that the higher the IQ of the participants, the less
energy their brains used, and the higher the scores obtained.

So,  if  anybody can get over 300 lines on SAM Tetris (available
on  FRED 3, hint hint) then why not write to Mensa and demand to
be let in.



BM                     We Want Your Work!

Yup,  this  is the inevitable page where we give heartfelt pleas
for  all  your  demos, screens, utilities and things.  Remember:
we now PAY for things if they are used in the main menu!

Aside  from  lovely  folding  stuff (by the way Colin, old chum;
where's me wages!!), you will of course become incredibly famous
and  maybe  even  become  the  figure of worship of some obscure
religious  sect  (it's not impossible you know).  Don't let that
put you off though.

We  also  wouldn't  say no to any tunes compiled on ETracker, in
case  you  happen to have any "just lying around", and if you're
one  of  the  bright  sparks who's already bought Gamesmaster or
SCADs,  then  we  also  warmly welcome any games (either for the
mag,  or even to be published commercially!).

Smaller  demos are also much needed for the ever-popular "Bits n
Bobs" section, so just because what you've written is only a few
lines long, send it in anyway! Ta muchly...
BM                        Stop Press!!

Now  that  FRED  is  going to be professionally duplicated, each
issue  needs  to  be  completed two weeks before being sent out.
This  means  that  any last minute news is going to have to wait
until the next issue.

Rather  than  have you kept in the dark for another whole month,
we've  decided  to keep a few kilobytes free on each issue for a
file which will display briefly any major happenings.  This file
will not always be present, but just to check type in:

                         LOAD "README"

from  BASIC. If there IS a file, it'll promptly load in, if not,
then you'll simply get a FILE NOT FOUND message.





CM                        Disc Details

WaterWorks  is a playable demo of one of the next FRED releases.
The  object of each level is just to escape - for which you need
to find the door and be holding the key. Simple isn't it!!

OK,  you  get  full instructions with the game but for this demo
you'll  have  to make do with this page. Keys are QAOP and SPACE
with SPACE letting you pick up and drop objects.

The objects in this demo are :

Pipe - water flows through this (shock!)
Switch - pumping water into this has useful consequences!
Alien - erm....tends to kill you.

Now, water cannot come out of the end of pipes ('cos that'd make
the game too easy) so you must attach a nozzle if you want water
to  come  out  into  the open. There's one of these on the first
screen and it kinda looks like a heart-shape in a pipe.

CM                        Disc Details

Everything  else  should  follow  on  -  and  if  you get stuck,
experiment!  It'll  take  a  bit of getting used to because it's
such an original idea but it'll soon grow on you.

Press  SPACE  to  start  the  game  and  SPACE again to skip the
password  section. Alternatively, to use joystick, press fire on
the  menu  screen  and  fire  again  to  jump  past the password
sequence.

The  final  game starts of with levels slightly easier than this
one   but   gets  !@#$%  difficult  -  using  up  to  six  fully
interconnected   screens  per  level  with  lots  more  plumbing
utensils for you to play around with!

You  get  over  20 levels with a new password for each level and
with  hundreds of water droplets that can flow (or fall) between
any  of  the screens, water lot of fun you'll have! (sorry about
the pun folks - Brian's idea!)

CM                        Disc Details

Next  up is the EMON from these wonderful, wonderful guys at ESI
(when   they   should   have   been   working  on  ETracker  and
Bulgulators!).  The  full  instructions (in EnglPol I'm afraid -
their  version  of English!) are in the reviews section but they
seem  pretty  straight  forward. Basically, if you're into techy
stuff at all, then this program is well worth a look.

Ben  Wyatt  has  updated his old game to come up with "Bugs 2" -
would  you  be  surprised  to learn that the original was called
"Bugs"? Nope, thought not. Anyway, it's a fairly straightforward
sort  of  game : you've got to stop the columns reaching the top
of the screen by jumping on them and pressing down.

SAMTrek is a copy of a file that's been ported down from the PC.
It  does  contain  some  swear words and references to "illegal"
doings  so  don't  blame me if you get shocked. In general, it's
pretty  harmless  and  very,  very  funny.  Hope  you enjoy it -
there'll be lots more of the same coming soon...

CM                        Disc Details

This is finally it!!!! We've got it all wrong for the last three
months  -  THIS  issue contains the legendary adding commands to
BASIC  routines.  Brought  to  you from the great mind of Stevey
Taylor. And no, it wasn't a publicity stunt......

From  Frank Kirby comes a phone number database - all you've got
to do is input the name of a town (eg Dundee) and it'll give you
the  code.  A word of warning - don't input "LLan" as you'll get
more than one or two phone listings!!!!!!

Another  Fruit  Machine!!  From Polish mag KAPSA this is a brave
attempt at an authentic puggy. Complete with music, animation et
al.  Keys  are  straight forward - 1,2 & 3 for hold when it asks
and the rest is simple.

Also  from KAPSA is the "Gardner" game. Don't ask about the name
-  they're  Polish!  Press  the  key  corresponding  to the line
on-screen  which  will  invert  that line, keep doing this until
you've completed the game! It aint easy though......!!!!
CM                        Disc Details

And  for  you  Triltex  fans,  Stevey -T- brings you yet more of
those amazing solutions....don't cheat too much.....

AXE  introduces  another  brilliant  character,  this time named
Morton Quality. We had this demo on show at the Haydock Show and
there  were  literally  crowds  to  see  it (well, for a Haydock
Show....)

Ben  Wyatt  helps  out again with a rather smoothly animated man
for  you  all  to  play  with  (and no Brian, I'm not putting an
Ooo-er in here!).

Colin  Anderton  has  come up with a rather nifty albeit slow 3D
logo routine. The one on the disc comes up with FRED but you can
change it to whatever you want and then save it off as a BLITZed
array and make your programs look stunningly attractive.



BM                         End Of Mag

Thanks this month must be ceremoniously lobbed to:

ESI                              Steve Taylor
Frank Kirby                      Martin Bell
KAPSA                            AXE
Banzai                           Ben Wyatt
Colin Anderton                   Mr and Mrs Derek Morgan



OK, FRED28 will be out early December but with the mess the Post
Office  get  in,  don't  get  worried  until  Christmas!  You'll
definitely get it for Xmas!!!!

Remember  folks,  FRED  costs  £2  an  issue  or £20 for a years
subscription  which is in itself a saving of £4 - not to mention
all the hundreds (almost) of special offers....

                                           MUSIC REVIEWS >>>>>>>
BM                          Moozik

Hello  there! Nice to see you here in FRED's music section.  Or,
more  appropriately,  the  "My  Record  Opinions" section.  This
month,  I'll  be  reviewing  three  albums,  plus an "extra" one
(cryptic or what...).

              Various - Revolution Come and Gone

This  is  a compilation of all the Sub Pop line-up for 1992, and
consists of 21 tracks (the album lasts a very respectable 70-odd
minutes).

When  I  saw this in HMV for only £7.80, well, you can guess how
long  it  lasted  on  the  shelf.   Unfortunately, the old adage
applies  about  how  you  get  what you pay for; there are a few
excellent  songs  on this, but some of the bad ones defy belief.
One  song, by Steve Jesse Bernstein, sounds like a rehash of the
"Avengers" theme tune,  except worse.


BM                      RCAG - Various

The  only  way I'd recommend this is to those people who want to
discover  more  heavy-indie  type  music. From this compilation,
there  were  about  6 good bands which I hadn't heard of before.
Unfortunately,  none  of  those  bands  have  albums in my local
record stores, and I wouldn't be surprised if I had to travel to
Seattle  or  something  just  to come close to being able to buy
one.  Anway,  to  save you all some money, here are the names of
the bands which I'd recommend:

Truly                  Seaweed
Supersuckers           The Monkeywrench
The Dwarves            Afghan Whigs

Mudhoney  are  on  the album as well, but if you haven't already
heard of them, then you've got some serious catching up to do!

I'm  going to give this 6 out of 10. It's by no means a terrible
album, but not a particularly good one.

BM                Faith No More - Angel Dust

Faith  No  More are brilliant. There can be no doubt about that.
Even the hardened Rap fans I know have been known to listen to a
bit  of  FNM.  And, coincidentally, here we have their latest CD
gasping to be reviewed...

Basics  first; there are 13 tracks, and almost an hours worth of
music to this album.

Those  of  you  expecting the gentle melodies of songs like "The
Edge  of the World" from THE REAL THING are going to be in for a
shock.  This  album  is  much  heavier in content, and I suppose
borders on thrash on occasion. While there aren't any songs that
could  be  described  as  anywhere  near as good as "From Out of
Nowhere",  the album as a whole is much more consistent than the
last one, with only the last track providing a noticeable change
of pace, and songs sounds like the band were monumentally stoned
at  the  time  -  incidentally, I bought a guitar book the other
month,  and  it  actually advised that playing while stoned is a
great learning experience!
BM                Faith No More - Angel Dust

The  two  recent singles are both included, and the album really
is class.  Definitely worth buying. 8 out of 10, no problem.

                  Afghan Whigs - Congregation

Those  of you who actually pay attention to what I write in this
section  will  remember  that  the  Afghan Whigs were one of the
bands  I  recommended  from  the SUB POP compilation a few pages
ago.  I happened to find this album hiding away on vinyl in HMV,
but  I  couldn't  get  it  on CD (which was bugging). The record
version of this has the track from Revolution... on it, but it's
not  mentioned  on  the  inlay  - an "extra" track I suppose you
could  call  it.  I  don't know if the CD  or tape versions will
have it on, but it turns out that the track - Miles Iz Ded -  is
the best on the album.

The album, unusually for Sub Pop, is fairly slow and atmospheric
(as  opposed to chaotic and atmospheric), and while it's good to
listen to, it does lack something.
BM                Afghan Whigs - Congregation

Possibly originality - it sounds like countless other bands. But
that's not to say it's not a good album. In fact, I'll give it 7
out of 10.

                          BONUS ALBUM

Now,  the  bonus  album  -  Belinda Carlisle's Greatest Hits (or
whatever  it's  called).  Somebody foolishly gave my sister this
for  her  birthday  a  few weeks ago, and it's just about got me
dribbling in the corner in despair; the little git keeps playing
it  first  thing  on  Sunday mornings and at all sorts of highly
inconvenient moments. And it's not just that, it's the fact that
it's  all  she ever listens to now! Anyway, I thought I'd better
warn  everybody  against  buying  this,  because it's dire, dire
stuff. Actually, it's probably not that good.... 0 out of 10.

Letters & Reviews

CM (!)                 Reviews / Letters


     1 : This page

       2 : Letter from and to the SCPDSA - essential reading!

         5 : Emon instructions by Mat of ESI

           12 : Letter from John Hawkins

              14 : Letter from Andy Penny

                 17 : Reply to Andy Penny

                    19 : Parallax review by BM

                       22 : SpellMaster review by BM

                          25 : Next Month

                            Uh-Huh

This is an exact copy of a letter Brent C Stevens (trading as
the SCPDSA) sent out to people about a month ago :

Dear SAM user,

We regret to inform you that the SCPDSA (SAM Computer Public
Domain Software Association) has ceased trading due to unforseen
circumstances regarding the liquidation of SAM Computers Ltd.

The SCPDSA has been supported by SAM Computer Ltd under Team
SAM, and the SCPDSA can no longer continue running without the
lifeline from SAM Computers Ltd.

Your past support has been much appreciated, and we wish you
better success with computer purchases in the future.

Yours Sincerely,
Brent C. Stevens
(Proprietor)
CM                       Colin's Reply

To put it bluntly, Brent is talking a load of bullfrogs. Brent
was TRADING AS SCPDSA just as I am TRADING AS FRED Publishing,
this means that he cannot simply wipe out any debts he has. If
Brent owed you a copy of his "magazine" (no chortles, please) or
any discs, then HE STILL OWES YOU THEM. Only by filing for
bankruptcy could Brent rid himself of these.

You may have noticed that he used the word "Computers" instead
of "Coupe". All throughout the SCPDSA, it stood for Coupe and he
has only changed it, I presume, to give the impression that he
was closely connected with SAMCo. Firstly, It is actually
illegal for him to call himself what he did because the
copyright of "SAM Computers" and "SAM Coupe" lies with other
people - not him! Secondly, the SCPDSA was not connected with
SAMCo any more than people like ZAT, Enceladus or Supplement. As
far as I know, there was NO COMMUNICATION between Brent and
SAMCo during 1992.

PTO
CM                       Colin's Reply

Hence, the rubbish about the lifeline is absolute nonsense. He
has used Alan's misfortune, to try to rid himself of debt and a
very bad name - remember he started to let things slide at the
end of last year? I warned him. No joy. I pulled all future
discs out of the SCPDSA to try to make him see sense. No Joy. I
pulled all FRED discs out of the SCPDSA. Nope, he produced one
issue of an absolutely appalling magazine and then disappeared.

At last, but by no means least is the matter of his referal to
"better success with computer purchases".  Just because SAM has
had another unfortunate set-back and he can't run a company,
he decides to kick the SAM when it was down.  As all FRED
readers and SAM users will agree, the SAM is a formidable
computer which will be around for a long time to come.

And Brent, remember, the SAM and the SAM users that were your
customers paid for your fancy car, PC and 3 SAMs, so don't slag
them off, OK.    If Brent does owe you ANYTHING then either let
me know, or phone him in the evenings on 081 546 5809.
MAT                       EMon v2.09


      EMon is a Disassembler program for SAM Coupe. This version
(2.09) is completely share ware and it's full version so you may
use  it  and  spread  it  if  you  want to. But if you like this
program please send £2 to FRED Publishing who will pass it on to
me.

     EMon is copyrighted to ESI and it's author MAT of ESI.

     First a few words about how to start with EMon. If you have
512K  machine  you must load it as normal CODE file. On 256K you
have  to  prepare  working version first. To do it you must type
in:
     MERGE "EMON2_0"CODE 245760
     SAVE OVER "EMON2_0"CODE 245760,LENGTH,245760

           where LENGTH is number you first read from directory.
Of  course  you may rename this file to "AUTO*" and then load it
simply by pressing F9.
MAT                           EMon

     After you load EMon you'll see copyright note and scrolling
text "PRESS ANY KEY TO START...". Do it, and you'll go to EMon.

     When you're in, you can see part of disassembled memory. It
starts from address called MEMBAS, and you may change it using:
CURSOR UP        - by one byte (or line in text mode)
CURSOR DOWN      - by one line
CURSOR LEFT      - by eight bytes (or lines)
CURSOR RIGHT     - by eight lines
     M           - set MEMBAS to required address (0-65535)

     To change display mode use following commands:

     A           - switch between ASSEMBLER and ASCII
SHIFT+A          - switch between ASSEMBLER and TEXT
     H           - switch between DECIMAL and HEX

     When you're entering number (such as M command) and you're
in HEX mode you may delete '&' mark and enter DEC number, and in
MAT                           EMon

DEC  mode you may enter HEX number by entering '&' (it's also on
F6 key). You may also enter single character as number using '$'
mark  first.  And  one  more  key  is  F0 which let you to enter
current MEMBAS value.

     EMon let you to look into SAM memory, but it works just
like   Z80  -  you  may  see  only 65536 bytes. To work with all
memory  you  use  paging  registers  and  in EMon you must do it
exactly  the same way. Lower Memory Page Register is key F1, and
Higher Memory Page Register is F2.

     Next what you can do with EMon is searching memory. You may
search  both  texts  and bytes strings. To look for text you use
T  command.  To  look  for  bytes string use S command. When you
enter  all  bytes  you  want to search just press RETURN. During
entering  number  for  searching you may press F5 what gives you
'MSK'  text. It mean, that in this position may appear any byte.
You  may  escape searching by ESC. To search the same item again
simply press N.
MAT                           EMon

     Now how to change memory content. You may use P command
which  works  exactly  like  BASIC  POKE  command  - first enter
address, press RETURN then enter value you want and press RETURN
again.  If  you  want  to  POKE a few bytes starting from MEMBAS
simply  press  SHIFT+P  and then you don't need to enter address
but  only  values.  To  finish  it press ESC. You may also enter
short  texts  (one line) using I command (it's entering starting
from  MEMBAS).  Next two command are C - copy block and F - fill
block   of   memory.   First  enter  block  start  address  then
destination  address and block length for copy or start address,
length  and value to fill with for fill (ESC terminate both fill
and copy).

     There are two commands you may recount numbers from one
system  to  another. D command let you change number from DEC to
HEX, from HEX to DEC or from ASCII to DEC and HEX. B command let
you to change DEC, HEX or ASCII to BIN.

     Of course you may load any data from disk. To select drive
MAT                           EMon

you want to use press SHIFT+D. To read a few sectors use SHIFT+R
(sides  are  0  or  1),  to write use SHIFT+W. Last two commands
works   exactly   like   READ   AT  and WRITE AT from BASIC, but
SHIFT+R  will  read real length of sectors not always 512 bytes.
Last disk command is SHIFT+L. It let you to load block from disk
when you know it's first sector and track numbers. But remember,
that  you're  working  on  64K  and  longer  blocks will wrap in
memory.
     BTW if you don't know, block is the number of sectors when
each one has number of track/sector of next one in it's last two
bytes (this is the way DOS works).

     Using EMon you may simply analyse programs with two keys.
First  is  F7 which let you to change MEMBAS to address which is
determined by first disassembled instruction.
     For example:
           you're looking at the program

13567      CD3D5C      CALL  23613
MAT                           EMon

     Normally to check this subroutine you have to press M then
23613, check it and then... where was this CALL ???

     With EMon it's no problem. Simply press F7, and you move to
your  subroutine check it and simply press F9 to return to place
you  jump  from.  You  may  use F7 twenty times and be sure that
after  twenty F9 you'll return to begin. If you use F7 more than
20  times first addresses will be lost. But F7 not only CALLs or
JUMPs.  You  may also work with JR,DJNZ,RST and all other (which
works just like call).

     To make work easier there are eleven POINTERS. Pointer is
address  you  may  go to using SYMBOL+number from 0 to 9. To set
any  pointer  at  MEMBAS  simply  press  F3  and enter number of
pointer  you  want  to  set.  But 0 to 9 it's only ten pointers.
There  is  one more you may set using SYMBOL+'.' and go to using
just '.'.

     There is one more thing in EMon. You can see note in lower
MAT                           EMon

part  of  screen.  It's  not only note for you. You may use this
place  as  simple  and short notepad. Press space and you'll see
cursor.  You  may use almost all normal editing keys with it. To
exit  notepad press ESC. To clear all note press F0 and to clear
line  with  cursor  press  F1.  You may also copy note to memory
using F4 (all note is 256 bytes long).

     And that's almost everything about EMon. One more command
is Q which let you to QUIT EMon.

     Now you may start working with this program. If you have
any  problems  or  something  just write to me (my address is in
this guide and in EMon).

                       Good work with EMon wish you

                             Maciej Woloszyk
                                MAT of ESI
                                     Torun 1992-09-21          .
JH                  Letter From John Hawkins


Dear Fred,

Further to our phone conversation, a few more thoughts on Sam.
My kids are getting a Megadrive for Xmas and having looked at
the cost of this it's become obvious what a huge con is being
perpetrated - I'm already hearing of people who are selling
their Megadrives because they've finished Sonic and simply
cannot afford any more games! I'd rather save and get an Amiga,
but my arm is being twisted!


  Sam is perfectly placed to take advantage of this, now that
the Speccy is done for, but what we need are more games with
real depth, and graphics to do the Sam justice. I know this
needs investment, but at the moment we have too many black
backgrounds and parallax star fields! Enigma showed what could
be done with Defenders and Sam Strikes Out, and Boing looks
hopeful. Come back Chris White...
JH                  Letter From John Hawkins

  I'm not clear what West Coast are planning, but people will
start wanting a real computer again, and with Amiga prices
coming down, Sam will have a hard time. But the advantage is
that it is an accessible machine, which can appeal to the games
market as well as the enthusiast. Of course a DMA chip would
help! Maybe it's all too late, but I feel it could still be
successful with a few breaks. Keep up the good work anyway and
my kids might run back to the Sam on Boxing Day!

  John Hawkins

CM : OK, point taken about Parallax - I think all involved in
that project are regretting it, although at the time we did what
we thought was best. Some you win......

Yes, Boing looks good. So does Dyzonium, ETracker, Bulgulators
and WaterWorks. In fact, all of them have the "polished" look
that I think you're looking for.
As for the hardware side - well, we'll have to wait and see.....
AP                   Letter from Andy Penny


Dear FREDitor,

    I'm just writing to ask if there is anyone at all who bought
the Kaleidoscope. If so, is the reason that I  havn't  seen  any
extended palette pictures at  all  yet  because  the  device  is
totally impractical, or are you all just  lazy?  After  all  the
fuss about it, you  would  have  thought  something  would  have
surfaced by now!?

    I was reading the letter from a Mr. Dan Cannon just now, and
your reply prompted me to write this letter.

    I would like to know one thing. Is it at all POSSIBLE to add
a device such as a 'BLITTER CHIP' or 'DMA CHIP' to the circuitry
of the SAM computer.

    If it is indeed possible, then  I  think  you  are  being  a
little more than pessimistic by replying in such a negative  way
AP                   Letter from Andy Penny

to the suggestion of such a potentially exciting development. In
fact I would suggest that you were in fact doing your readers  a
great disservice by not  investigating  the  possibility  before
poo-pooing the idea as too expensive.

    I believe a much better response would be to show SAM  users
how this modification could be achieved, and then throw open  to
debate weather or not it is a viable proposition.

    You never Know, Maybe even those hardware  development  kits
everybody bought will come in handy after all!??!

    So, lets have some discussion on the matter, and a column or
two about how blitter chips work and how they can  be  connected
to computer circuits. At the  very  least  it  would  make  very
interesting reading.

    I wonder if you could tell me, which arcade development  kit
is the best one to buy, Scads or Gamesmaster?
AP                   Letter from Andy Penny

    Which one gives the fastest, smoothest movement of  sprites.
Which one allows the largest sprites, the most sprites,  is  the
easiest to use, offeres the best  way  of  giving  your  sprites
artificial intelligence?
    Which one offers  the best sound  facilities  and  graphical
facilities?  I  ask  because  I  believe   there   are   several
blockbuster games inside me  bursting  to  get  out, and one  of
these programmes could be just what I need to do it.

From:   Andy   M.J.   Penny,   62   Locksheath    Park    Road,
Locksheath, Hants, SO3 6LZ.

CM : There have not been enough Kaleidoscopes sold to warrant an
outside company such as FRED to develop products for it -
however ESI do want their art package to be able to use it's
features...

By next month, we should have a complete comparison of the two
arcade designers. In the meantime, buy ETracker!!!!!
CM                           Reply

OK, about this new-ASIC business.

I know that I sounded pessimistic in my reply but I have very
good reasons. I was there when this "new-ASIC" was discussed -
in short the story was - Bruce Gordon was asked if it was
possible to speed up the SAM, have more colours etc etc to which
he replied "Yes, but I'd need £50,000 to do it".

I see it as someone's wish that has been exaggerated out of all
proportion. There was no way that sort of money was going to be
raised - any spare money is going into just getting the bare
machine back on it's feet!  I know the response Your Sinclair
has had, and frankly, it didn't surprise me.

SAM people have had enough dissapointments and I didn't promote
the idea at all because I could see no future in it. It might
happen - but a lot needs to happen just to get SAM back into
production! Without worrying about how 1,000 people would
replace their ASIC - the most important chip in the Coupe!
CM                           Reply

I know it's a pessimistic line of thought but I think it would
be pointless to think otherwise. With the SAM itself, I know
several other "magazine editors" are very negative and
pessimistic to the future of SAM. The SAM itself is something I
am optimistic about - it's already been done. It is good. It has
a user base. It has games, utilities, demos, magazines - lots
and lots of support as well. I also know that if SAM goes back
into production, the company that are LIKELY to be doing it DO
KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING, they have plans - good ones, and they
have faith in SAM -  although 6 months ago they had barely
touched a SAM!

In the meantime, there is a lot happening for SAM that will keep
this market wide open for a long time to come - you can see that
by the number of titles FRED and Revelation are releasing now!
And I guarantee you - there is going to be lots more great
software published in the near future, as well as the not-so-
near future!!!!
                 Keep the faith people.
BM                    Reviews - Parallax

The  second  ever  commercially released shoot-'em-up: Parallax.
Completely  lacking in plot, Parallax is a much more traditional
shoot-'em-up than Sphera. Not only is it horizontally scrolling,
but  your  ships  actually  explodes  when  you  die, instead of
displaying  a  puny "I don't think that was a very good idea..."
type message.

There  isn't  really much you can say about the game. It has its
power-ups:  extra  speed, extra life, extra multiple (a pod that
flies around the ship), smart bomb and extra points. The problem
is,  it's so bloody hard to get any of them! You need to destroy
an  entire wave to get a power up, and that really is asking too
much  when  you take into account the factor which I think ruins
the  game:  you  can  only fire the one bullet at a time, and no
more until (a) it reaches the and of the screen, or (b) until it
hits  an  alien.  This  turns  the  game  into  what can only be
described as a strategy game of sorts!


BM                    Reviews - Parallax

The  game  is  probably the best presented so far on the SAM (in
case  any  of you are turned on by presentation!), and the music
really  is impressive; it sounds much less beepy than most music
on  the  SAM  somehow.  One thing which annoyed me a lot was the
fact that every time the game ends, the main menu is loaded back
in  and then the first level is loaded again; the problem is, it
takes  ages,  and when you get killed in the first minute of the
first level it causes just a little frustration! Whether this is
the  result  of  the protection system on the disk I don't know,
but it's there and it's annoying.

The  game itself is well programmed, and has nice little touches
to  it  (like  the  parallax  stars which, when the player moves
up/down,  also  scroll  up/downwards).  The  graphics are fairly
good,  although  they do suffer from what a reviewer in CRASH (I
think  it was CRASH, anyway) termed "Polo Syndrome" - the aliens
look more like items of confectionery than hostile life forms...


BM                    Reviews - Parallax

I  have to say that this game could have been great. But, due to
the  unfortunate one-bullet-at-a-time factor, it's not. In fact,
it's  not  even particularly good, which is a shame as there's a
definite  impression  that  a  great deal of effort has been put
into it. It's just too frustrating.

As  far  as  marks go, I'm going to give this 5 out of 10.  SAM,
I'm afraid, still hasn't found a "proper" shoot-'em-up.




( CM : OK, so you didn't like it - you might at least have used
  up the full three pages though!)





BM                   Reviews - Spellmaster

Spellcheckers  eh?  Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em,
as  the  saying  goes.  Well, now you don't need to live without
them  for  you  can  buy  Spellmaster (okay, it's not much of an
intro. Sorry. I'll try better next time).

Spellmaster  is,  as  I  suppose you all probably know by now, a
Spellchecker. You can either use it to check a text file created
by  one  of  the  popular word-processors (Outwrite, Tasword II,
Secretary,   etc)   or   you   can   simply   use  the  built-in
word-processor  to  type in a file.  The manual claims that this
is  a very basic WP, but it does have most of the options needed
to  get  by,  if not all of them. Anyway, once the file has been
loaded into memory, you can check the entire file, or just check
certain  words,  or  even  have  words checked as you type them.
There's certainly no shortage of options!

512k  SAM  owners  get a slightly better deal  with this, as the
dictionary  of  words  is slightly larger than that available to
256k owners.  Not to worry though; it's easy enough to add words
BM                   Reviews - Spellmaster

to  the  dictionary,  or  even  create  new dictionaries full of
technical  terms  (or  swear  words,  if that's what appeals  to
you).   If  you're feeling bored, you can choose to look through
the  dictionary(s)  -  the  plot's  not  much ,  but  the author
certainly has a good vocabulary, ha ha ha.

As well as the spellchecking facilities offered by this package,
there's  also  the  puzzle-solver  feature.  Using this, you can
either type in letters you know for a crossword  and the program
will  come  up  with  all  the possibilities, or you can enter a
selection  of  letters  and  the  program  will  display all the
anagrams of the letters.

So,  what's the package like then? Well, as far as spellcheckers
go,  it's  very good indeed.  It's extremely fast - more so than
one  I  use  on the Amiga, anyway - and it's very easy to get to
grips  with. The word-processor might not win any prizes  but it
covers all the essentials.

BM                   Reviews - Spellmaster

The  puzzle-solver  things  aren't  much more than gimmicks, but
they're a nice touch, and if you enjoy crosswords you might well
find  this a very useful gimmick.  I can't see the vast majority
of users getting too worked up about it though.

The  package  comes with a helpful little manual, although there
is  a help screen in the actual program.  I doubt you'll need to
use  this much though, because the program really is that simple
to use.

To  sum up, this is a very good package. I won't give it a mark,
because  it's  difficult  to  evaluate such a piece of software.
Obviously  if  you  feel  you  need  a  spellchecker  then  it's
indispensable ,   but   if  you don't, well, it's useless. I for
one would buy it.


( CM : He's learning! Not fast, but he's learning)

CM                        Next Month

In FRED 28 which will get to you by Christmas (provided you're
sensible enough to have a subscription) will contain :

Reviews of :     The Secretary
                 The Bulgulators
                 ETracker
                 Boing
                 WaterWorks
                 Games Master & SCADs

Lots of fabulous ETracker tunes - I should know, they've
already arrived and they are AMAZING!!!!!!

A proper m/c menu system - with Christmassy music!! (ETracker!)

Machine Code games and demos GUARANTEED

The LATEST news on the SAM hardware AND software scene.
And more special offers for you to enjoy!!

SAM Trek

            SAM Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
            ----------------------------------------

            _____-____
            -----!========= C;=====;   .  .  .  .  .  .
             __   \ \  !!
             \ \___!!___
%    =   -  #__________/


These are the voyages of the StarShip EnterKey..Its five year
mission to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy alien life...
To boldly split infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to
slap our wrists.... Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31
             --------------------------------------

Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for
breakfast. Walked about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4.
Ignored a few insignificant crew members in red jerseys. Now
sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I 'm about to be
interrupted by Scotty.

Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.."

Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.."

Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any
more!"

Jim: "Alright you have permission to divert the power back to
the main engines and disconnect my home beer making kit."

Scotty: "Thanks cap'n"

Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day
today..."

Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same
colour jerseys anyway..."

Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship.
..The plebs on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is
fair otherwise we'd have mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly
jersey allocation game. But of course we cleverly arrange it
that they always lose, and end up with the red ones."

Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?"

Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make
them believe it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of
course yours just LOOKS red.. it's really one of the yellow ones
with a special holographic colour refractor built in."

Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain"

Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo"

Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't
something I suffer from..but I would warn you that if you
persist in these insults I'll kick your teeth in."

Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?"

Spock: "Emmm....yes captain"

Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one..."

Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again"

Lt. Uhura: "Sir, is my red jersey really a yellow one like
Mr.Scott's?"

Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next
episode.."

Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before
the next episode. I can get another acting job easily."

Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?"

Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..."

Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in
Hollywood?"

Lt.Uhura : "..basically...yes.."

Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet
up with a supply ship returning to earth in two episode's
time."

Lt.Uhura: "...but I get killed in the next episode..it'll be
too late"

Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive
exciter windings into the main neutrino pulse modulator,
reversed the polarity on the fusion reactor field, and plugged
the pacman cartridge into the games console in the level 3 rec.
room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2?"

Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...."

NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.

NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2. ...you're a genius scotty...

Credits:
-------

Things Fall By: The force of gravity.

Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...


Episode 3:
----------
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42
--------------------------------------

By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3
happen before episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect
to rendezvous so on with an earth bound supply ship, which
Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoiding the untimely
death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till
episode 2.

Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship."

Spock: "Jim..."

Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?"

Sulu: "Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad."

Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the
Federation had to write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you
killed 500 crew members. It's just as well they were all red
jersey grade or you'd have been up for a Federation Court
Martial."

Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine
now."

Spock: "Jim..."

Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..."

Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of
steering the EnterKey properly is to look where you're
going...quite obvious really."

Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation
with Mr.Sulu, but the fact that we are about to collide with a
large planet might be of considerable interest to both of you."

Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!"

Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?" Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the
brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp drive power!!!!"

Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..."

Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the
whooping sirens ...this is a red alert...we're going to have to
attempt a crash landing"

Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?"

Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button
to your left that wasn't there last week lowers the
undercarriage."

Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage
lowered...we're going in....hang on to yer trousers...."

Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable
little Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good
smoke on his pipe.. It was finest grade pot from the eastern
marches, and its full effect was now coming over
Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a
little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its
ears and float around the room.

Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed FELT
like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically
flapped its ears and floated round the room.

"Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said
Gandalf ..suddenly sitting bolt upright in his chair and
straining to hear the commotion outside the window.

"It's just the start of the percussion section.....you
know..we're on the third side now....", replied Frodo.

"I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic
Oceans...and that bloody record player is an anachronism
anyway...you should get rid of it.", said Gandalf as he got up
from his chair and staggered toward the small round window.

"Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody
starship...they've crash landed right in the middle of
Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint signs of annoyance
sweeping over his face.

He straightened out his flares, buckled his sandals and made for
the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a state of bemused
excitement....

Next Week: Episode 2 .

Credits:
-------

Prevailing wind and weather patterns by: The Coriolis Effect.

Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for
another thrilling episode.

Episode 2:
----------
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42
--------------------------------------

We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on
any of the standard Federation star maps...or at least that's
Mr.Sulu's excuse. Until we either fix or replace the burned out
dilithium crystals in the warp drive unit we cannot take off.

Scotty: "You B!@#$%D !!"

Jim: "Pardon???!?"

Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines
every episode."

Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.."

Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again
haven't you??"

Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling
we'll get them fixed by the end of today's episode."

Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?"

Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any
volunteers?"

Spock: "I'll come..."

Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.."

Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards
on the way down..."

[10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what
appears to be a rough cobbled road]

Jim: " Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your
phasers to 'kill'. Give me a tricorder reading Spock."

Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..."

Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway..
Federation Standard Landing Party Procedure states that
tricorder readings of atmospheric content should take place
BEFORE we set foot on the planet"

Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should
point out to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder
reading once you're actually there..."

Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't
breathable?"

Spock: "It always is...."

Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?"

Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency
signals... ...here listen..."

[...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the
locomotion...]

Jim: "..primitive indeed..."

Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.."

Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..."

Scotty: "Never mind that...look!"

[Scotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led
by a tall white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat]

Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.."


[The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers
and take aim...] (uuuh ...and the question is Emlyn...WHAT
happened next?)

********* ************
Next Week: Episode 4.

************************

Credits:
-------

Missiles launched by: Mistake

Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for
another thrilling episode.

Episode 4:
----------
[...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was
actually episode two of course) in a bit of a predicament.

Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives
led by a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed
hat. Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd
before it was too late....] Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42
(entry made by outdoor battery operated log)
---------------------------------

We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...
Two of our guards have just been blasted by the old man with
the beard who seemed to get rather upset when they first hit
him with a couple of volleys of phaser fire.

Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is
approaching me now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting
very close and is still walking at quite a pace.....umph!...

Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to
be..."

Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off
the...err..dust..(for want of a better word)) "That's alright"

Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they
annoying you too?. ..I thought I'd better get rid of them before
they did any harm"

Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually
no... I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted
them...they were about to attack us all I think"

Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your
diplomatic skills might be the best way to get around these
savages"

Jim : "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we
get back to the ship"

Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"

Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!? ?!?"

Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target
practice when you were at Federation cadet school?"

Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"

Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit
of a phase in my early years....just research really...into the
day to day lives of inanimate objects....but that's all
irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by disrupting the lives of
these little people!"

Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we
crash-landed I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless
until we can either repair or replace our burnt out dylithium
crystals..."

Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or
else we'll have to take severe action!"

Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right
we'll do our best.. "

Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a
wheelbarrow) "I think we may be in luck Captain"

Jim: "Who is he? "

Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they
call the very latest in large scale construction projects...the
Hobbiton Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference
centre, shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into
one.....Groan...what am I doing..standing here nattering to you
lot..I'm off...and I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"

Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow..Dylithium crystals!"

Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock,
remind me of Federation standard code on opening friendly talks
with alien lifeforms"

Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien
lifeforms in a friendly and diplomatic manner."

Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that
wheelbarrow!"

Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt)
"Kryvh ne grok!"

Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here
Captain..."

Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming
tiresome anyway. Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death
grip and we can swipe the Dylithium."

Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I
would not get close enough to administer the grip without my
arms falling victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"

Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."

Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run
off in sheer terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow
...and Spock slips back to grab the crystals..."

Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but
anyway it's a brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of
3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"

[**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]

Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are
now fully operational, Captain."

Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding
maniac of diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's
already minced a troop of guards on deck 3..."

Spock: "How did he get on board?"

Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the
door behind us!....We'll have to forget about him till later
....We have more urgent matters to attend to...like getting
off this planet....What time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"

Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"

Jim: "Give me that in English , Sulu"

Sulu: "About teatime, sir"

Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"

Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"

Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's
something in the Federation Code of Practice about not using
warp drive in populated areas.....ah, what the hell........ Ho
hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being
taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at
all....

*********************

Next Week: Episode 5.
************************

Galactic Credits:
----------------


Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries

Missiles launched by: Computer Error

Dwarves supplied by: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium

Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another
thrilling episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear
You Being-Sliced-Neatly-In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding-
Dwarf.

Episode 5:
----------

Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927
--------------------------------

We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted
corner of the galaxy and...

Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use
such simplistic and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just
has no meaning in relation to the concepts of space and time,
indeed it is even theorised that the words space and time
themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable and
poorly understood deeper concepts."

Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.."

[**** BUMP !!! ****]

Jim: "..What the..."

Sulu: "Captain!..We've stoppped dead!"

Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring
up the forward view on the screen."

Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"

Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..."

Spock: "...highly illogical.."

Sulu: "It would appear to be a large... wall..in fact..two large
brick walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each
other....."

Spock: "Groan..."

Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired."

Spock: "But Captain!"

Jim: "No buts ....you're off at the next Federation Starbase"

Spock: "Wait. ..this CAN'T be right...let me try something..."

[Fiddles with various scanner controls...]

Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon
ships behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up
by their cloaking device."

Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic
image from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did
get quite a thump when we hit it after all..."

Spock: "Ah. ...good point"

[There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole
appears in one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon
battlecruisers emerge...]

Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun"

Jim: "This is getting silly..who's writing this week's episode?"

Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the
other episodes"

Jim: "Ok ...we'll trust that he can get us out of this
convincingly... Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies
and make contact with the Klingon vessels"

Uhura: "Aye aye sir..."

Jim: " ...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to"

Uhura : (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok
I've had enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and
get your hands up"

*********************
Next Week: Episode 6.
************************
Galactic Credits:
------------ ----

Spock's Ears: Sort of pointy

Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries

Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium

Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for
another thrilling episode....

SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's,
for only 2 pounds 99p, from : Starship Enterprises, Mr.Spock's
*Official* Tricorder Offer, PO Box 42, Pythagoras Street, Planet
Vulcan.

Episode 6:
----------
Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242
--------------------------------

We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as
Uhura, and to make matters worse, we are confronted by three
Klingon battlecruisers..

Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there
and keep your hands up!"

Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log"

Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk"

Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet
Command will send out a patrol ship to look for us. And then
we'd be rescued, you'd be caught , hung, and then given a fair
trial. You wouldn't want that would you?"

Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that
might arouse their suspicions..."

Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff
about the engines, the crew, the ship in general really."

Uhura: "...Nothing about me?"

Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here
actually.."

Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you
want to do anything."

Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how
long till Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?"

Spock: (whispering) "3. 4212 hours approximately Captain"

Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I
feel like I need to go and powder my nose already..."

Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up
set from his handbag)

Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate
everything literally into Russian...when I say I want to powder
my nose I mean...oh forget it......."

Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up,
and keep quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the
communications panel) "Purple Hamster calling Klingon
battlecruisers, come in please... Purple Hamster to Klingon
battlecruisers..."

["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud
and clear.."]

Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.."

Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..."

Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...."

Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!"

Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture
a Federation Starship...and at last we have succeeded..."

Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are
incoporated into its starships.....they'll find out the secret
of the warp drive system.......how our weapons work....how our
transporters work..."

Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our
doors go 'Sheesh'"

Jim: "How do you know that OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?"

Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took
us many years to find out, but our greatest scientists built a
new sensor device that could be used to detect the door noises
on nearby starships..."

Spock: (whispering to Jim) "..very ingenious..but also extremely
pointless.....Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot
to learn.....and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV
series and they didn't..."

Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute
Commander F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle
legion..."

[Trumpet fan fare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....]  .
Episode 7:
----------
Captain's Log Stardate 42.5
---------------------------

..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been
pretty impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken
his neck. Some Klingon guards have just arrived to stretcher
him away, and it looks as if our impostor Uhura has assumed
control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem to be taking
apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing
mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to
prevent them finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves
us.

Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?"

Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!"

Uhura: "Good ...but remember..no funny business...and no mention
of anything out of the ordinary"

Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.."

Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door
sheeshing mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically
beaming members of your crew into deep space."

Jim: "You fiend....you 'll never get away with this!...and a
triple fanged swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag
the information out of me..."

Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to
be beamed?"

Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on
deck 3b"

Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking
Kirk.....Guards!..watch them carefully till I get back."

[The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon
guards to keep an eye on the EnterKey crew members]

Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see
now..236 cubicles.. at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235
cisterns..and at say 1 minute to search each one..that makes..."

Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?"

Jim: "Should it?"

Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is
236, thus since there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per
cubicle, that must mean there are 236 cisterns"

Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember
actually counting all the cisterns one day, just in case it
might come in useful, and I'm pretty sure there were 235.
....though I suppose I could have miscounted......"

Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every
one it would take something approaching 4 hours...but you really
have to take into account that on average he really only needs
to search half of them.. indeed..we might be unlucky and he
might find it straight away..."

Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate
amount of breathing space..... ok let's make the best of
it...Spock, remind me of Federation Standard Code on Dealing
With Klingon Boarding Parties"

Spock : "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.."

Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!"

Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for
you, just because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it
for yourself.. The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't
want to be a ship's Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a
lumberjack...striding through the forests of British
Columbia...the maple, the larch.. the mighty Scots Pine!...."

Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...."

[They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....]

Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and
I'm OK..."

Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!"

Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear pap...."

Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but
hopefully when he wakes up he'll be back to normal..."

Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?"

Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any
lines for quite a while."

Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us
out of the series?"

Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us
suspiciously.."

Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of
us was going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up
and disarm them..."

Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...."

Bones: "What is it?"

Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his
last line BEFORE Spock went cuckoo"

Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...."

Checkov: "I have an idea Captain"

Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!"

Checkov: "But it might just work"

Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!......Now Bones, how about if we all
started singing and dancing? They'd come over to see what we
were doing, then we'd jump on them."

Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock
caused...so I reckon they've been warned about any such tricks
we might play..."

Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!"

Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we
just blast them with our phasers?"

Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if
YOU boarded an enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let
them keep their weapons?"

Checkov: "....THEY did...."

Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!"

Checkov: "Can I fire first then?"

Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to
kill.....fire!!"

[The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a
good deal of very essential, and very expensive communications
and sensor equipment in the panels behind them...(This has no
significance to any future turn in the story..I just thought
I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping on the
special effects)]

Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!"

[They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors
at the back of the bridge..]

[Sheesh...] [aaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh ...]

*********************

Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it
Spock's used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you
stand the suspense? Can I think up something convincing?....
Will Bones and Scotty get more lines to say?......Just tune in
next week and all will be answered....


ERM...WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHEN AND IF THE NEXT EPISODE WILL GO
COMING TO FRED - I'LL TRY ANYWAY. COMMENTS PLEASE?????        CM