Fred 58

Issue 58

Magazine

CA                   Welcome once again...

Well, after a hectic month in April, I think I've just about
recovered now.  Time to get down to revision - or do FRED.  You
know, in economics, I should be on chapter 71 by now.  I'm on
chapter 3.  Still, I do lots of revision in lessons (gulp).

I don't want to go on about A-levels, but I will say that this
week is a very happy one.  I've been at school for almost as
long as I can remember, and in five days it will ALL be over -
for ever.  True I've got to pop back in for exams and results,
but no more lessons.

                            HURRAY!

The sad thing is that as the amount of revision I should be
doing increases, the more I do FRED.  That's why I'm doing this
even before FRED 57 has arrived.

So if you're reading this on 3rd June, don't be surprised.

CA                   FRED is five (nearly)

Last weekend I had to travel up to Dundee to meet with Colin on
an urgent business trip.  What was it?  Well, I don't know if
you noticed, but FRED is nearly five, and he's reached that time
of life when he's got to (by law) go to school to receive a
proper education.  Being quite proud of FRED, and knowing the
potential he has, we had to make sure of a good school.

In the end, we went for Monifieth First School, mainly because
he could then go home for dinner (he's a growing disc).

Anyway, to get to the point (before I waste the whole page),
issue 60 is only two months away and FRED wants some superb
contributions from all of our programmers to celebrate his
birthday with.  I know that there's enough talent out there to
make issue 60 the best, and even to let the celebrations carry
on to the next issue.  There's about six weeks to get
contributions finished by, so please start programming.

Pretty please...
CA                         Errrr....

Actually (he says as he turns redder than a cat in a blender)
there's another itsy witsy birthday coming up.  I'll be 18 on
June 30th.

Yes, 18.  I wonder what my first alcoholic drink will taste like
(said very convincingly).  If you want to, I mean, you don't
have to, but if you felt, that is, it's up to you, but, well, if
you happened to be passing a card shop, maybe, er, maybe you
could pop inside, if you had time, and - oh I can't say it.

I know.  If you wanted to annoy Colin Macdonald, what you could
do is send me a birthday card via him and he'd have to spend
lots of money sending them down to me.  Er, hahahaha.  It's not
that I want a record number of cards (above 6), but if lots of
people sent one...

Also, bricks or lead weights as presents are perfectly
acceptable.  Just make sure Colin posts them down.  Eighteen
and still as childish as when I was seven - joy!
CA          I think it's time we got this sorted...

After reading the FRED newsletter thingumy, I've noticed
something which I want changed.  Colin Macdonald (and he's not
alone) referred to me as the "new editor".

NEW? I've been here 8 months now.  If someone went to the toilet
and was still there 8 months later, his family wouldn't say,
"Should we see if he's dead?".  "No, he's only just started."
No, they wouldn't.  They'd realise that 8 months is in fact a
very long time.

It's true isn't it?  Anyway, to cut a long moan slightly
shorter, I've decided that from now on, I'd like to be referred
to as "Colin, the long-serving editor".  Thankyou.

I'd also better apologise for a naughty little word that crept
into last months editorial.  I don't know how it got there, but
suffice to say, I was in a rush and it wasn't me, sir.  I should
have said "taking the pigs", and not what I did say.  Anyway,
it's not really that bad.  Hey, at least I didn't use the word f
CA                            News

The big (BIG BIG BIG) news this month is that FRED will be
publishing a book all about the SAM Coupe sometime this year.
it is hoped that the book will be out in time for Christmas this
year and will include many stories from people in the SAM world
about their version of the SAM story, and any experiences they
have had. Some stories are expected to be quite technical, while
others will prove to be very funny.  At the moment, Colin is
getting in touch with everyone who could have a good story
(including me...) and someone who is not involved will decide
what will make the final version.

I must stress that the book IS NOT going to be a cheap,
photocopied thing.  It will be produced in the same way as any
paperback novel, and could find it's way into some computer
shops around the country.

Colin Macdonald is funding the project entirely by himself, and
although he expects to make a loss on it, feels that it is
something that many of us would like to remember our times with
CA                            News

the SAM.  At the moment, price has not been decided.

The main reason for mentioning about this book so early is
because we are still looking for SAM stories.  If you think you
have a story relating to the SAM which you think other people
would be interested in reading about, please write down your
experiences and send them to Colin.  The number of contributions
is likely to be very high, so unfortunately we can't guarantee
to use your article, but please don't let this deter you from
trying.  We look forward to seeing what stories you have.  The
deadline is the 1st September, but the earlier the better.

                     I CAN C CLEARLY NOW...

SAM C has continued to sell well since the computer show, and
compliments have been coming from people who have found the
language surprisingly easy to learn and very powerful.  Another
menu has been written using it (by a different person from the
last one) which should find its way onto the next issue.
CA                            News

For anyone who has been sleeping in a cupboard for the past few
months, SAM C is the new programming language for the SAM.  C
has taken off on all higher level computers, is now the most
widely used language anywhere and is considered a necessity for
any machine.  Last April, FRED released C onto the SAM, and
various utilities (and eventually, games) will soon be taking
the SAM by storm.

The chess program that was revealed in Format has been delayed
slightly because the programmer is having to contend with those
dreaded exams, but the game is expected to be written this
summer.

Colin would like to thank everyone for obeying his temporary
phone rules.  He told me that he's been able to get to the pub
much earlier now.  Except for Thursdays, of course, when he does
a bit of work.  Before he goes to the pub, that is.


CA                            News

SAM Prime, from Phoenix Software Systems is a SAM specific
paper-based magazine which comes out bi-monthly.  Actually,
bi-yearly is maybe a better approximation, but Dave Ledbury
(editor) insists that things are getting back to normal:

"We're beginning a program of internal restructuring which will
drastically improve our service to the SAM community as a whole.
To celebrate this we're offering FRED readers a number of
special offers."

OK, I believe you.  Anyway, as I said, SAM Prime is a paper
based magazine that costs £1.50, and an additional £1.50 if you
want the optional disc that comes with it. Producing the
magazine is David Ledbury, the editor (originally from SAM
Newsdisk, ZAT) along with Simon Cooke (Technical editor) and
Steve Pick (Reviewer/Disk Editor).  "One of the order of mammals
including monkeys" (or Prime 8 for short) is available on offer
at £1.50 for the magazine and the disc.  Include an SAE/IRC if
possible.  The address to write to is:
CA                            News

Phoenix Software Systems,         Tel : [redacted]
 [redacted]
                            E-mail : [redacted]

                       Ring/write/e-mail for a free catalogue.

FRED readers will also normally be given 10% off all Phoenix
published titles, but for the next 6 weeks, a generous saving of
20% is being offered, except for two SPECIAL offers (phew)...

Syncytium - £7.50 (norm. £10) A compilation of 20 games/utils
                              from Andrew and Ian Collier

Recovery - £6 (norm. £10) Disc/file recovery from Colin 'Quazar'
                          Piggot.

Phoenix owes us for that.  However, just to make things a bit
fairer, a big plug goes out to FORMAT, CRASHED, ZODIAC and any
other magazines out there.  (FRED is still the best, though).
CA                      Lemmings Codes

Yes, here's the final set of codes for Oh No! More Lemmings,
that incredible game on the SAM (the first ever 8 bit
conversion).

                             HAVOC
                             =====

Level              Name                               Code

01            Tubular Lemmings                        PDYUHGPI
02            Be more than just a number              OCXVGGPI
03            It's the price you have to pay          RBWWFGTM
04            The race against cliches                QBTWFGVO
05            There's madness in the method           LBQWFGTE
06            Now get out of that!                    KBPWFGTE
07             Creature Discomforts                   NCWVGGPI
08            Lemming about town                      MBLXFGJC
09            AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!          XAVIEGKH
10            Flow Control                            WAPIEGPI
CA                       Lemmings Codes

11            Welcome to the party, pal!              ZAOIEGTM
12            It's all a matter of timing             YAMIEGUP
13            HIGHLAND FLING                          TCRWGGKP
14            Synchronised Lemming                    SERUIGJO
15            Have an ice day                         VAXXEGWH
16            Scaling the Heights                     UEOUIGOJ
17            Where Lemmings Dare                     PHPXIJIB

Want to know the last three?  Ha ha ha.  For the first time, I'm
going to use my editorial powers for sheer evil by not telling
you what they are...  until next month!  Ha ha ha.

Besides, it'll ruin the game for you if you don't even try to
complete the levels yourself.  Now go away and stop being so
lazy (and rubbish at games).




CA                     FRED Improvements?

I really wanted to avoid a moan this month, least of all because
you'll all hate me and deliberately forget my birthday.
However, it has to be done I'm afraid, because a couple of
months ago, you will recall that I did a few pages asking for
comments on FRED, and any improvements people can suggest.

I got 5 replies.

That's about 1% of the readership who could be bothered to
reply.  Pretty awful isn't it?  A lot of work goes into FRED
each month from the programmers, from Colin and from me.  The
reason I got the FRED job was because I said FRED could be
improved.  How am I supposed to make changes without any input?

All I'm asking is for everyone to spend 5 minutes writing down
whether they think FRED could be improved, what they like, what
they dis-like.  Then, send it to Colin.  It's not that much to
ask, is it?  If I get a decent response, I'll discuss changes in
the next issue.
CA                  Competition Extravaganza

Moaning aside now, Matt Round and I have had a rather nice idea
which I think will appeal to many of you.  As you will read in
the e-tunes scrolly (if anyone reads it???), Matt is giving
away various software titles and has donated them to FRED as
competition prizes.  Well, Matt and I are proud to announce the
second mega competition.  We've entitled it:

            The Incredibly Rubbish Game Competition

The aim of the competition is to write the WORST game you can.
The game has to have a point to it, but should be written in the
worst possible way (lots of GOTOs everywhere if written in
BASIC).  The game can either be really rubbish, can be a nice
looking game but with no point to it or could be a whole new
sort of invention of a game.  Even the "I can't program well
enough for FRED" people can have a go.  Even I might enter it!

The winning game (and any other good (well, bad) games) will be
on issue 60, so get writing now...
CM               Some hardware still available

Following the mention of available hardware the other month,
there was a flurry of phone calls as items were quickly snapped
up. Sadly, I haven't been able to get Slimline disc drives, Mice
or SAMBuses in, BUT I do have ...


One Megabyte external upgrades, 256K upgrades, printer
interfaces, ROM 3 upgrades, power supplies and keyboards.


Prices for all these appeared in FRED56.


There is now a waiting list for both Slimline disc drives, Mice
and SAMBuses, so please do not send in any money for this. If
you want, tell me to give you a ring if you're interested in
either should I be able to get some more in.


CA               (Should Be The) Disc Contents

Yet another corker of an issue in terms of contributions, I'm
pleased to say.  How much longer can Colin keep up this trend?

In actual fact I've had to compress most pieces of text and most
programs in order to cram it all in.  If you decompressed it all
there could well be almost 1.5 megabytes of FRED bliss!  That
means that subscribers are paying less than 11p for each 100K!
I won't go on (er, yes I will) but you are paying as little as
1.4p per screen, compared to around 20p in most PD libraries.
And reading this paragraph has only cost you 0.000475p!  Wow.

By the way, that's why on some programs the screen turns green
before the program runs.

This also means that if Colin went by this estimation, he should
be paying me around 10p for the amount of disc space I fill.
Blimey, he is paying me the going rate after all.

Hang on.  We don't pay for text articles.  Oh dear.
CA                 (The Actual) Disc Contents

Slot D is a Gamesmaster shoot-em-up.  Don't start moaning,
because this has to be the best written shoot-em-up (for a Games
creating package) that I've seen for a long time.  It may even
appeal to the Gavin Smiths of this world!

There are three levels (I think) of shooting action.  Each level
has an end of level baddy and the occasional pick-up.  It's
nicely presented, and fun to play.  It was written by Warren
Lee, and I look forward to seeing more from him.  Thanks,
Warren.

Slot E contains the second mega utility from SAM C author,
Marian Krivos.  After the imploder on issue 56, this is the disc
archiver.  For anyone not familiar with the term 'archive', an
archive is a number of programs that have been put into one file
and are usually compressed.  They are used very regularly on the
PC's and Archimedes of this world, and now you can archive
programs on your SAM.  Programs can't be run from the archive,
but they are an extremely useful way of storing files and are
CA                       Disc Contents

decompressed onto a disc by just loading the archive.

When you load the program, you are presented with a somewhat
empty looking screen.  Insert the disc you want to scan for
files and press F1.  Keys are displayed along the bottom, so
there's no real need to memorise what they do, just remember the
terms.  The pointer is controlled by cursor keys and pressing
RETURN over a file selects or deselects it.  F6 selects them
all.

Once you have selected the files for your archive, you must
press F2 to link them all.  They will then load, after which you
will be asked if you want to compress them.  If you type Y, they
will be compressed and archived.  If you type N, they will just
be archived (which is much quicker).

You will then be asked if you wish to save the file.  If you
answer Y, you will be asked for a filename, and then you have
finished.  Pressing N returns you to the control bit where you
CA                       Disc Contents

can select different files or affect your linked file by
pressing F3 to compress it or F4 to save it.

To de-archive the file, you only need to have loaded a DOS.
Simply LOAD "archivename" CODE and you will be asked for a
destination disc.

Note : I have not explained the various compression modes here
       because I explained all these in issue 56 and it takes a
       while.  If in doubt, just press RETURN for the default
       values.

Feel free to send compressed or archived files into FRED, but
when they are included on the magazine, they will be de-archived
and so try not to use too many files.  Thank you.

In slot F, there is a very playable game for up to 4 players.
Strictly speaking, you can play with 1 player, but that sort of
takes the point out of the game.  However, get a few people
CA                       Disc Contents

round, and it really is surprisingly fun.  Each of the players
controls a tank and the idea is to gang up on people and shoot
their tank.  You get 1 point for each tank you shoot, but lose
all your points when you die.  Press DELETE for a different
board, and the keys 1 to 4 for the corresponding player to join
in.  The programmer is Gamesmaster lover, James Curry.

Moving to slot H, you will see that there is no NET or Anonimity
this month.  Instead, there is the interview with Stefan Drissen
that was mentioned last month.  Due to the amazing length of it,
it's got its own section, but I'm sure many people will agree
that it's maybe more relevant to the SAM than the NET is.  If
you get bored because Stefan keeps going on about MOD players
and things, pretend you're reading a biased review.  Hopefully
there'll be more interviews to come.  If there is anyone you
would like tracked down and interviewed, please write and we'll
see what we can do.  Use cursors and SPACE in the text viewer to
use the various options.  Clicking on the question mark on the
control panel gives you information on the other functions.
CA                       Disc Contents

In slot G we have a demo of the new MOD player which Stefan
seems so proud of.  Only the built in tune can be played, but
you will notice a difference.  The only problem now is that you
get more interference from the TV than you do due to the sound
chip!  Unless you have an expensive telly, that is.

Thanks go to R. Hartley and J. Bailey for this months E-tunes.

The next program is a utility which will probably only appeal to
the machine coders out there, sorry.  It's from David Brant
(whose nick-name is not Shandy, that's his house.  Oops.) and is
a faster player for e-tunes.  Apparently, e-tunes waste lots of
machine code time normally, but David's player speeds them up
considerably.  There are full instructions and an example within
the program.  I hope it is of some use to the coders out there.
Thanks David.

Rachel gets nearer to the end of the saga in parts 11 and 12.

CA                       Disc Contents

Matt Green has sent in two nicely presented classic games,
Othello and Knight's Move.  Both should be known to you and are
under slot K.  Brief instructions are provided for anyone who
hasn't played either before.  It's nice to see more and more
people using excellent presentation in games.  Cheers Matt.

Slot B doesn't contain letters, shock horror.  They're being
held back an issue because we have a SHOW SPECIAL!!!  Indeed,
there are show reports and some rather embarrassing screens
which have been scanned from the photos taken at the recent SAM
and Speccy show.  Allan Clarkson did all the photo taking and
scanning.  The show reports are from Stewart Skardon, Matt Round
and Peter Moore.  Hold down SPACE at the start if you only want
a slideshow of pictures.  See if you can spot my jumper in the
group shot.  And you might be able to make out Colin's kilt.

Finally, thanks to Lee Willis for this months excellent machine
code menu.  Please note how many colours there are.  Also, try
and spot the word in his scrolly that I had to change.
CA                          Thanks

2, 4, 6, 8, Who do we appreciate?  : COLIN ANDERTON
2, 4, 6, 8, Who do we really hate? : COLIN MACDONALD  (only
                                                        joking)
My warmest and deepest gratitude goes to...

Stewart Skardon      Warren Lee         Matt Green
 Peter Moore          James Curry        Andrew Hodgekinson
  Allan Clarkson       Stefan Drissen     Brian McConnell
   Martin O' Connell    Roger Hartley      Lee Willis
    Matthew Beaman       Jack Bailey        Matt Round
     Marian Krivos        David Brant        Anonimity Smith

    FRED is available from:  [redacted]     ]       What a busy
                                                    little page
Remember, FRED disc                                  --ooOoo--
  magazine is (C)
  FRED Publishing                             Phone [redacted]
Please buy your own
       copy.                              >>> REVIEWS FOLLOW >>>
CA                   Review of SC_Word Pro

           £29.99 : Steve's Software : Steve Nutting

Although the SAM Coupe has a number of word processors, there
has not yet been anything that can produce PC style and quality
print-outs.  However, SC_Word Pro is the first package that
makes an attempt to bring this style to the SAM.

The first thing that is noticeable about SC_Word Pro is the
excellent quality of the manual.  An A4 bound manual with a
professional cover and very high quality print comes with the
program, along with a few extra inserts and advertisments.

The manual has been written to ensure that even the least
experienced person is able to use SC_Word Pro.  It takes you
through every step in the process of making your working copy of
SC_Word Pro and backing up your fonts discs.  It then tells you
how to get into it and the controls, and then tells you that the
manual was done using SC_Word Pro!


The process of backing up the main program is relatively simple.
You first select which character set you prefer, from about 30
different ones (although there is little difference between a
lot of them) and then you choose your printer.  SC_Word Pro then
backs it all up onto a working disc, for which Steve has kindly
included a sticker.  You are then able to make a direct back-up
of this if you wish (another sticker is provided!).

The fonts discs available contain two fonts on each disc, but in
order to be able to use these, you must decompress each font
onto another disc.  That means you need another two discs for
each font disc.  The process of backing up is a simple on, but
very laborious and time consuming, especially if you've bought
the extra fonts discs.  Each font has a normal and bold part to
it, although instead of bold, some discs have another new font
on.  If you buy the extra packs, you'll find that there is a
massive range of fonts, ranging from the very sensible to a set
of clip art (which is very useful).

When you first load SC_Word Pro, all the features it has are

very daunting.  The main menu only has a few options, but there
is a preference menu which has dozens of various options.  Gulp.
Thankfully, the manual comes to the rescue again explaining how
to set the page margins, how to save the page margins, how to
set any other preferences and how to begin.

Before you produce the document, I found it a good idea to plan
it out.  This means that you don't sit there (as I did) guessing
as you go long, and producing a complete mess.  When you enter
the word processing bit, you must select the font you want, the
size, whether you want it underlined, centred, justified, etc..
and then you will enter the word processor with two control
codes placed to the left of the cursor.  In the word processor,
you can only type in the character set you selected earlier.  It
is impossible to print the fonts out on screen due to the lack
of memory and speed of the SAM.  Unfortunately, in order to find
out what it will look like on paper, you have to print it and
fiddle around with it afterwards.  Fortunately, there is a draft
facility as well as a the hi-res print-out option.


There's not much more I can say about the editor.  I know I've
said very little, but there isn't much to it.  It's really
simple to use and has the basic 'setting out' choices that you
would expect from an advanced package like SC_Word Pro.  I would
recommend that you bought the extra font packs, because the four
fonts supplied with SC_Word Pro are very professional, but you
need more variety.  The pictures of envelopes & phones will come
in useful on the fonts packs, and I'm sure you can find
somewhere to put a picture of Calvin and Hobbes.

Printing graphics (this is a graphic other than the clip art) is
possible, although not very easy.  There is a separate program
to allow you to dump the pictures onto your page, but you must
line up the page correctly for another print and this is not
easy on some printers.

I have found that the easiest way of producing good looking
adverts or pages is to do many bits separately and then print
each part out separately on the same page.  Very tedious, and
irritating if you make a mistake, but the result is worth it.

And it is worth it.  The print-out quality is very high, and
easily matches up to that on other computers.  If a professional
document is required for anything, SC_Word Pro can produce it.
It isn't as quick as a PC, but the result is amazing, and
certainly not something I had expected a SAM to be able to
produce.

I do have a couple of moans though.  The only real gripe is that
it would have been nice to have some sort of print preview
system.  I know it's impossible to print the text on screen, but
couldn't you have a mock page on which pixels are plotted to
show you how far down you are?  It would have been nice if you
didn't have to decompress fonts, but at least it keeps the price
down.  It may also have been possible for the manual to be a
little more detailed concerning the actual editing.

The key to SC_Word Pro is patience.  If you have what it takes
to sit down, print out your attempts, modify them and keep
trying, you'll end up with a first class document.  If you want
to produce high quality documents, SC_Word Pro is ideal.
CA                   Review of Almost Blue

After that pathetic attempt at a joke last month, Derek actually
sent me "Almost Blue", so I'd better review it.


                           THE REVIEW

                  £2.00 : SAM PD : John Conner

Crikey!  What can I say, except that the screens on this disc
wouldn't be allowed on FRED.  Erm, 60%

                           ----------


Have you noticed how I slave away reviewing SAM games?  Well, a
few weeks ago, my chance came to review (and so, keep) a piece
of hardware.  Instead, Colin decided he'd have a go at reviewing
something.  Amazing co-incidence, Colin.  Grrrr.

CM                       SAMDAC Review

                    £25.00 : Stefan Drissen

Cue trumpet fanfare - my first review in, oooh, several years at
least. However, this review is allowed because it's of a new
piece of SAM hardware. This is a rare enough occurance, but
combine that with the fact that it's me writing this and you
have a positively once-in-a-lifetime event.

The hardware in question is one of the plethora of soundboard
extensions - first we had EDDAC which you had to build yourself,
then Colin Piggot did Quazar which was great apart from the £60
price tag, so ever the man to say "How high?" when FRED asks
someone to jump, Stefan Drissen has leapt to the rescue with an
impressive, yet affordable, device.

At the Gloucester Show Stefan handed me a professional looking
black box with two leads from it (one to Audio Out, and one to
your printer interface -!? Don't ask!) and a socket for
connection to the amplification device of your choice.
CM                          SAMDAC

After connecting Stefan's black box between my SAM and my hi-fi,
the only task left to do was load up the new (commercial) MOD
player which comes free with the SAMDAC. Once loaded, I could
choose from a selection of MODs on the disc - or go back through
dozens of FREDs trying all the old MODs....

......FOUR HOURS later, and I've played every single MOD on SAM
I could get my hands on. Why? Because the difference is amazing!
No more interference, no more crackles - just excellent sounding
samples which make the excellent MOD tunes even better!

I'll be honest, and own up to the fact that I do have an Amiga
and a PC. We all know that SAM has matched them on graphics
(prime example - Lemmings), but although the MODs were great on
SAM, play the same MOD on an Amiga and it sounded much more
'real' - like it would be if it was on the radio.

SAM now happily competes with both Amiga and PC on MOD quality.

CM                          SAMDAC

So, you've got the idea - I loved SAMDAC. Added to that were
some interesting details from Stefan :

A WAVe plyer has been written for the SAMDAC.

SAMDAC gives stereo 8-bit DAC, and playing MODs through it means
they are EIGHT times the quality of the sound chip!

The new MOD player included also supports the soundchip, Blue
Alpha sampler and the Quazar, includes all Amiga Protracker
effects, allows direct loading of PC MOD files, and has the
COMET source to MOD playing included so other programmer's can
make full use of everyone's soundboard add-ons.

Even if you will not be getting the SAMDAC, MOD file addicts may
want to get the new MOD player anyway - £5 from Stefan himself
or through Derek Morgan.


CM                          SAMDAC

And you get all this in the form of hardware (SAMDAC) and the
new MOD player software for just £25.

Twenty five pounds?

Compared to PC soundcards weighing in at around £100 this is a
veritable bargain, but we are talking about something that only
improves the quality of MOD files. In the future, hopefully
SAMDAC routines will be integrated into games and demos, but
that's all going to take some time.

What it boils down to is this : if have 25 quid to spare and
would like to hear much improved MODs through SAM, get this. If
you have 60-odd quid to spare, get Quazar. But to be honest, I
don't know how many people would consider it worthwhile.

For fun-filled enjoyment of your MODs, send £25 to Stefan at :

   [redacted]

Rachel (ctd.)

  > Cowseeker Computer Log

                * Sponsored By Hipposoft 2442 *

  Origami Drive disengaged. Time/Space restabilised.
  Flags of all worlds extended.. Fanfare..
  Wait
  Flags of all worlds retracted
  Calculating posit... XXX ??? XXX
  Why has a fish just flown past my CPU?

                              ----

  "That's a bit Monty Python," thought the Spacerat.

                              ----

Their  front legs touched. Antennae waved fitfully, and sporadic
gasps  escaped  from  the  Peribeetles'  microscopic mouths. The
crowd   jeered   loudly,   ("Bripp,   Bripp,  Bripp,")  and  the
Peribeetles   edged   yet   closer,  in  determined,  controlled

movements unprecedented in the whole of Peribeetle history...

                              ----

  "Did you see that?" said Diggy.
  "What?" asked Rachel.
  Diggy looked again, and frowned. It wasn't there.
  "Oh nothing," he said, giving up.
  "Fine," said Rachel. "Any idea where we are then, Merdyl?"
  "Fish..." muttered Diggy.
  Merdyl cast a short, worried look in his direction and then
glanced  back  at  Rachel.  "Um,  well  according  to the Bovine
Detect-O-Matic we're in a Strange, New Universe."
  "That's not much help," interjected Harold.
  "I did see it," said Diggy, irrelevantly.
  "WHAT??" shouted the others.
  "A fish! A fish just flew through the main computer!" At this
point Diggy noticed a Gibbon hanging from the cabin supports. It
was also at this point that Diggy realised it was Freeda.
  "See what I mean?" he asked.

  "He must be mad," said the Dark, Shadowy Figure. "He tells us
he  sees  fish  and  all  he can show us is Freeda turned into a
Gibbon."
  "Who's a Gibbon?" said Freeda, back to normal.
  "Oh, no-one," said the Dark, Shadowy Figure tactfully, not
wanting to start an argument.
  For a short while everyone was silent as the bridge of the
Cowseeker  temporarily inverted, flipped back, and turned into a
Munch  Bunch Yoghurt for precisely 8.56 seconds before returning
to normal.
  "I'm beginning to get the Bovine Detect-O-Matic's point, now,"
said Diggy. "What's it saying at the moment?"
  "~Told you so~," said Merdyl.
  "Told me what?"
  "No, that's what it's saying."
  "Ah, I see," said Diggy, not seeing.
  Everyone decided to shut up for a while and try to get less
confused.
                              ----
  Plollop!

  "Brrrippppp," said the astonished crowd, in awe. One
peribeetle  had  just  knocked  the  other  out. For the sake of
historical  accuracy  it  is  not necessary to note which beetle
knocked  out  which  since nothing else had been exactly precise
before hand.

  And From That Day Onwards, Things Were Never The Same Again...

                              ----

  "Had we better land?" said Diggy, breaking the silence.
  "Pardon?" asked everyone.
  "Sorry if I'm a bit muffled, it's just that it's a bit hard to
speak when you're a portable desk-lamp."
  "I quite understand," said the Dark, Shadowy Figure, who had
temporarily adopted the shape of a brown leather-effect sofa.
  "I'm not sure if we should," said Harold, who had worked out
what Diggy had said. "Can we put up with all these changes?"
  "Oh, it shouldn't be too bad down there," said Diggy, pointing
his bulb at the viewscreen, which had, for the time being, taken

on  the  shape  of a viewscreen. "That planet hasn't changed for
ages. Perhaps things are a bit more stable down there?"
  Everyone did their best to look where he was indicating.
  "Anyway," he continued. "I don't know what you're bothered
about.  You've  stayed  the same sized, boring greyish cube ever
since we got here." Diggy was rather pleased with this argument.
He  wanted  a fight because he was miffed about being a portable
desk-lamp,  and  thought  this  a particularly strong footing to
start on.
  "How do I know I'm not going to change sooner or later,
though?" asked Harold.
  "Ah," said Diggy, and put his failure down to the fact that
it's a bit hard to get a strong footing when you haven't got any
feet.
  "I say we should go down and see what happens. After all, I
can't see it getting much worse than this," said Merdyl, who had
turned a rather fetching shade of sky-blue.

All  the others nodded. Diggy then notified the rest of the crew
that  any changes generally didn't last for more than about five

minutes,  which  meant  he shouldn't be a portable desk-lamp for
much  longer, told them not to worry, and then ordered Freeda to
pilot  the  Cowseeker  down.  After a short discussion about the
controls, which closely resembled a fruit salad at that point in
time,  Freeda  managed  to  start  the descent program using two
apples,  a  banana,  and  a  kiwi  fruit;  the Cowseeker drifted
majestically down towards the planet's surface.

  Where the Peribeetles were waiting for them.









                    -+* To Be Continued! *+-

+--------------------------------------------------------------+
|                                                              |
|                     Hipposoft Presents:                      |
|                                                              |
| An Epic Tale of                               For Fredatives |
| an Accident, A            "Rachel"            /Fred Magasine |
| Man And His Cows                              Hipposoft 1992 |
|                                                              |
|                  Or, "The Forgotten Enemy"                   |
|                                                              |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+

LAST  TIME...  Having  lost  the  talent competition, Merdyl had
managed  to scramble into the Cowseeker just before it took off.
She  might  have  been better off back on the planet, since once
the  Origami  drive  disengaged  the  crew found themselves in a
Strange,  New  Universe,  where nothing stays the same shape for
long. Not to be put off by this, they ventured forth to a nearby
planet - shame really, they were hoping to be first - unaware of
the Peribeetle civilisation below...


A  long,  long  way  away,  on  a  planet  far,  far  below, the
peribeetles  were  watching  the descent of their God. They sat,
silent, reverent, hundreds of thousands of minute bodies staring
skyward, waiting, biding their time... They watched it as fellow
humans  would  watch  it,  if there were any fellow humans, only
they  saw  the  event  four  times slower. As is often the case,
things  with  longer  life  spans tend to live life more slowly,
thereby getting no more out of their time than anyone else.

  "Plollop, Plollop, Plollop!" they suddenly cried, shouting the
fourth  word they had acquired during the Great Fight, and moved
in  unison across the surface, surging towards the shadow of the
descending  Being,  a  black,  undulating  carpet  of  minuscule
creatures with a vastly overinflated sense of importance.

                              ----

  "Engage gravity pads," said Diggy, who had turned back to
himself again.
  "Gravity pads engaged," said Freeda, relieved that the fruit

salad  controls  were  also back to normal. (In fact, she noted,
everything  seemed to have settled down as soon as the Cowseeker
had entered the atmosphere of the planet.)

  From underneath the Cowseeker came the soft lilac glow.

The  Spacerat  watched  with  little  interest.  It'd  seen  the
Cowseeker land before, and hadn't been impressed then. That was,
until  it  spotted  a small black shape moving across the ground
towards the Cowseeker's estimated point of arrival.

  THUMP!

  "We've landed," announced Freeda, stating the obvious.
  "Oh, well done!" patronised Diggy. "Let's see what's out
there..."
  Diggy picked up Harold and motioned for Merdyl, Rachel, Freeda
and  the  Dark,  Shadowy  Figure to follow. He asked the rest to
look after the bridge and the rest of the crew.
  They went outside.

  "Bripp!"  shouted  the Peribeetles, in unison. ("Hail!") - The
Creator had landed! After the revolution would now come conquest
-  movement  had  been  achieved, their language could cope with
whole  new  fields of expertise, nothing stood in their way! And
now  the  prophesy  had  come  true! The Creator had landed, and
the  Universe  would  be  theirs!  Onward, the entire Peribeetle
population of Peri Alpha ran...

                              ----

  "We  appear to be on the planet Peri Alpha," explained Harold,
who   had   examined   the   atmospheric   composition,  visible
constellations,  topographical  and  geological features and the
signpost  near  where they had landed. "Used to be full of life,
but  everything  was killed off by polluted rain. The only thing
that  survived was a minute beetle, which lives off what are, to
us, toxic chemicals in the water."
  "Fascinating,"  said Rachel, opening her eyes and standing up.
"What  do  we do now we're here then? Aren't we supposed to find
some cows or something?"

  "Good point," said Diggy. "We'll, um, er..."
  "Consult the Bovine Detect-O-Matic," suggested the Dark,
Shadowy Figure.
  "Ah, good idea," said Diggy. "Merdyl?"
  "It  says, ~Guess  again,~" answered Merdyl. "I think it means
we're on the wrong planet."
  "Hoopy," commented Diggy sarcastically. "Tell it that we don't
care  how  rare  and  valuable a piece of equipment it is, we'll
turn it into a PC-Compatible Nimbus computer if it doesn't start
being of some use."
  "It says, ~There's no need to take that attitude~."
  "Nimbus," reminded everyone, simultaneously.
  "It now says, ~Try Peri Beta, this planet's moon,~" said
Merdyl. "Apparently, it's on the dark side of the planet."
  "You mean this world doesn't rotate?"
  "It would seem not."
  "Weird," said Diggy. "Back to the Cowseeker, I suppose."
  He  turned  round,  stared at the  hatchway for a second, then
shouted, "Hey, what's that?!"
  Everyone looked.

  A pause.
  "What?" asked Rachel.
  "Oh, it's gone now!"
  "That  much  is  obvious."
  "It must have been me... I could have sworn I saw a black sort
of carpet... Oh, never mind."
  "Ignore him, he's still dazzled after having a bulb for eyes,"
explained Freeda sympathetically, and went back inside.
  The others followed.

                             ----

   Hmm, thought the Spacerat. This could get interesting.

                             ----

   And the Peribeetle conquest of the Universe had begun...

                             ----


   "Take your positions, everyone!"
   Just as everyone was walking towards their stations, several
things  happened at once. For example, Diggy dropped Harold, for
no reason other than sheer ineptitude.
   Meep Meep Meep!
   "OOoo, me legs hav- Baaa!" exclaimed Freeda, collapsing.
   Crunch.
   Meep Meep Meep!
   "That's better," said Freeda, standing up.
   "What was that?" asked Diggy.
   "Me turning on," answered Harold.
   "No," said Diggy impatiently, "not that!"
   "Me speaking?" queried Freeda.
   "No, before that!"
   "What then?"
   "That sort of crunching sound! If anyone has been eating
crisps  in  here  and  they  complain to me about their consoles
getting  covered  in salt and vinegar, don't expect any sympathy
at all!"
   Everyone looked at the ground, feeling guilty. There was no

reason  for  it,  except for the fact that everyone always feels
guilty  when  a  large  group  of  people  is told off for doing
something no-one in the room has.
   Suddenly...
   "Yuk!" exclaimed Freeda. "What on earth is this?" She was
trying  to  brush some sticky black bits off her fleece with her
hoof.
   There was a short pause whilst everyone looked at Harold, who
was thinking about it. Then he said,
   "Squashed Peribeetles."

                              ----

   And the Peribeetle conquest of the Universe ended...

                              ----

   "Ha ha ha!" said the Spacerat, who was feeling like being
nasty for a while.
                              ----

Completely unawares of what had happened, the Cowseeker ventured
forth,  headed  for Peri Beta. Unfortunately, the threats to the
Bovine  Detect-O-Matic had made it "forget" to mention that Peri
Beta had a much bigger single remaining lifeform to deal with.

And   that  lifeform  knew  that  Peri  Alpha's  only  remaining
creatures had just been completely wiped out by a sheep.

   And it was annoyed...

   Very, very annoyed.


                    -+* To Be Continued! *+-