Fred 72

Issue 72

Fred's 6th Birthday 1st August 1996

Magazine

CA                       FREDDY IS SIX

Party hats on, jellies out (for the lads) and really rubbish
birthday games like 'Run aimlessly round the room until someone
turns the music off' on stand-by.  FRED is six and still going
strong.  Heck, I even had contributions LEFT OVER from last
month!  Hoo-flipping-ray!  Keep the stuff coming in, though.

FRED's been playing with all his great new stuff, including a
great Mnemo-present from Andrew Collier and friends (which
you've probably already looked at) and games galore.  I'll tell
you more in the disc contents section (I'm getting a bit carried
away).

And to celebrate, I've started this issue of FRED on time!  Yep,
it's the 1st of August.  Not bad, eh?  Cor blimey, what a month.
Next thing you know, Colin will be paying me!




CA                     Exciting Pie Chart


Ever wondered what percentage of           ___________
the editorship over the last few          /     !     \
years was taken up by each of the        /      !      \
three editors?                          /       !       \
                                       /        !        \
Me neither.                           / BRIAN   !  COLIN  \
                                     !          !         !
But, I just came up with the idea    !MCCONNELL !MACDONALD!
of drawing a fabulous pie chart,     !          !         !
and what more interesting thing to   !  32%   _/ \   38%  !
put in than that?  Well, I was       !      _/    \_      !
going to do something else            \   _/ COLIN  \     /
actually, but I'd have been given      \_/  ANDERTON \_  /
the Spanish Archer. Erm, El-bow.        \              \/
Or sacked if you prefer.                 \    30%      /
                                          \___________/
Still, what a cracking page
filler.
CA                         Anyway...

Things in Evesham continue to keep up their cracking pace.  Last
month, you may recall that I had to sit on the floor to do FRED.
Well, I do this month as well.  I've also got nowhere to sleep
because Mum thought a really clever thing to do would be to sell
the bed (!).  The floor is supposed to be really good for your
back, but believe me, it really bloody hurts (um, bloody as in
blood, not as in swearing - ahem).  Infact, I've been forced to
drink copious amounts of alcohol just to get to sleep at night
(oh darn, what a shame).

To try and relieve the mental stress that an editor has to
endure, I decided to go up to Nottingham and see that the house
I'm living in next year is built.  That would stop me worrying
about whether it'd be finished.  I thought.  If you recall, Mr.
Dodgy McMoneysnatcher is building a house next year which we
paid lots of money in advance for.  And it's nowhere near being
finished.  Sob.  So basically, I'm very close to being homeless.
The only solution I could think up was to lay a guilt trip on
FRED's readers and hope someone buys me a house.  Any offers?
CA                         Editorial

I'm back off my holiday now (erm, obviously - you'd have to be
really sad to take a computer on holiday ).
Anyway, what a cracking week.  Lots of stories to tell, although
I should probably not include most of them.

Being in Newquay, everyone was trying out the surf.  I've never
been surfing.  Never in my life, ever.  However, with long hair
and a super fit body (errr), I looked the part.  So imagine my
surprise when a really intelligent blonde girl (tee hee) asked
me for a few pointers (fnar).  Anyway, I made up a complete load
of rubbish about standing at the back of the board and angling
it a bit and shouting 'Woah dude'.  I nearly convinced myself
that I knew what I was talking about!  I had to explain that
because of a back injury in the recent surf competition in
America, I obviously couldn't show her.  And guess what?  On her
first go, she fell off and the surfboard hit her on the head!  I
nearly drowned for laughing!


CA                         Editorial

Whenever Colin MacD goes on holiday, he tends to have a really
amazing coincidence involving the SAM which he can tell everyone
and have us reading and thinking he's great.  The best SAM
coincidence I had this year on holiday was when our cab driver
was called Sam.  Not really very impressive, and probably not at
all interesting.  I'll do better next year.  Maybe.


Well, I'll leave now.  Next time I write an editorial, I might
be in Evesham or in my house in Nottingham, or crashing at
someone else's house in Nottingham or maybe I'll just have to
plug the SAM and telly into the fruit machine plug hole in some
place in Nottingham and hope no-one notices.

Have a nice Summer holiday.

                And HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY TO FRED!


CA                       Contributions

FRED survives because of the contributors.  It doesn't matter
how many readers we have but without any contributions, FRED
can't continue.  In FRED's life, the contributions have been
coming in slowly, but reasonably steadily.  In the last six
months, they've died down, and it's been increasingly hard to
get enough items for FRED.

This year, I've had the time to work on the problem and get by.
Next year, I won't.

Please, please keep writing.  If you have a SAM and you can
program or draw or write music or even write articles, then do
whatever you can and send it in.  Even if you think it's not
good enough, send it in.  I'm more grateful to people who keep
writing and don't get any credit than I am to those who write a
good game and consider that enough for a couple of years.

I need you to help me out in order to keep FRED coming monthly
and maintain its standards.  You know the address.  Please help.
CA            It's Fantasy FRED League Time Again!

   Team Name                               Manager        Score

01 The Crashed Crusaders               Allan Clarkson       056
02 Frank Broughton Appreciation Soc.   Mark Sturdy          043
03 What's In A Name?                   A. Francis           036
04 "Headless"                          Stefan Drissen       035
05 I'll Cheat If I Start Losing...     Colin Anderton       034
06 Scotland                            Colin Macdonald      034
07 Scorpion Soft Productions Team (?)  Paul Dudley          031
08 Crikey...My Wig Is On Fire!         Andrew Chandler      029
09 Some Dead Good People               Graham Goring        028
10 Real Nice World                     Andrew Collier       028
11 James Curry's Team Of SAM Wierdos   James Curry          026
12 Death By Electricity                Doug Young           026
13 Children Of Satan (ahem)            Stephen McGreal      026
14 Crap Games Co.                      Dean Nicholas        024
15 Happy Slug Productions              Tim Paveley          024
16 Blue Foot United                    Stewart Skardon      023
17 The Kick Butt Crew                  Mark Bennett         022
CA                     Come On The Reds!

18 Team Mango Chutney                  Matt Vowles          021
19 I Still Use My Sam, Honest..        Dave Handley         018
20 Har Har Har                         Sylvia               015
21 Sentai Power Sammers NL             Robert Van Der Veeke 012
22 NewZealandStory                     Howard Price         008

          MANAGER OF THE MONTH: Graham Goring (20pts)

Just as it looked as if Clarkson's hold of 1st place was going
to be snatched from him, he has another storming month and now
has a clear 13 point lead at the top.  A bad month for Ando
drops him to 5th, strangely enough on exactly the same points as
Macdonald.  Goring leaps up a massive 10 places with the biggest
score of the month.  The mid-table clash grows ever stronger
with 9 people within 6 points of each other.  Meanwhile, at the
bottom, Price keeps up his strong challenge for wooden spoon
with a spectacular 0 points.  Sylvia continues to slip, and now
only two people are being beaten by a woman!  Cor, such
excitement...
CA                           News

Right-o, the main news this month is the Leeds show.  Allan
Clarkson, the organiser, has been very hard at work sorting out
the show and is doing a very good job.  I've got in front of me
full details about the show, along with a map of how to get
there, which should be on the newsletter.  If not, I'll give
details anyway.

The show is on SATURDAY, 12th SEPTEMBER.  The exact location is
THE METHODIST HALL in WETHERBY.  Entry is £1.50, but Allan has
sent me a load of 50p off tickets.  There may be one included
with this issue, I don't know.  If not, come and make friends
with me, because I've got plenty.  Most of the major SAM and
Spectrum companies will be there, including FRED, Format,
Revelation will be represented, Alchemist PD, SAM PD and pretty
much everyone you can imagine.  The show is expected to be of
the same scale as the Gloucester shows, so come along and have a
chat/argument with all the SAM personalities who will no doubt
be there.

CA                        Directions

Getting to Wetherby.  Get onto the A1 and take the exit to the
South of Wetherby (even if you're coming from the North).  Turn
RIGHT at the second roundabout after the A1, then first LEFT
once over the Wetherby bridge.  This road will bend to the
right (DON'T go straight ahead!).   Then turn LEFT before the
pedestrian crossing.  Once past the crossing, Church Street is
the first street on your RIGHT with the hall on the left.

There are free car parks dotted around the centre, so just
follow the signs to them.

If you're going by train, then you'll have to catch the train to
Leeds.  You can then catch buses from near the train station on
INFIRMARY STREET (walk over City Square and the bus station is
outside the Post Office).  You'll want to catch either bus
number 98 or 99.

If you would like to sample Wetherby's night-life, call the
Tourist Information Centre on 10937-582706 for B&B numbers.
CA                           News

Don't forget that there'll also be a Gloucester SAM & Speccy
show in October, so just incase you can't make it to the Leeds
one, make sure you can get to the Gloucester show.  Go to both,
I would.

Moving on now, some games news...

Firstly, a SAM version of Elite will be hitting your screens in
the very near future.  It's been asked for since the early days
of FRED, and now Revelation have announced that it may be
released in time for the September show in Leeds.  It'll stick
to the original game as closely as possible, excpet of course
with extra SAMness put into it!  There's no definite price tag
yet, but it's expected to be priced at £15.

Another game which may be out in time for the September show (if
not then the October one) will be Graham Burtenshaw's Spindizzy
type game.  Graham, programmer of SAMPaint, is just putting the
finishing touches to what looks like a very good game.
CA                       Disc Contents

This month, we have a truly wonderful and festive feast of
beautifulness.  The menu screen is from Matt Round, the logo
from R.I.P. '96, and the rest of the work by moi.

Screens are from Andrew Hodgekinson with a bit of Tom Foolery
from yours truly.

Mnemodemo2 bursts onto the SAM in slot D with yet another
display of brilliance from the Mnemotech team.  When will
Entropy respond? (blatant hint)  This demo consists of an
introduction bit and 3 parts, one from Andrew Collier, one from
David Zambonini and one from Les Quinn.  With a Chase HQ type
thingy and a spectacular 100-frame animated raytracing bit, who
could ask for more?  Thanks, Mnemotech.

That man, SAM comes back, this time in Jet Set mode.  MJD
Productions brings another cracking little game of the Jet Set
Willy style.  Again, it's not that easy, so any tips or hints or
anythings would probably go down a treat.
CA                        Discontents

Bee Bopping is a nice and violent game from Victor Cooper.  By
killing the bees, you get records (I don't get it either) and
the aim is to build up your collection.  Thanks Victor.

Addiction is another game (what a gamesy issue, eh?) and this
time is a well presented platform-esque game from R.I.P 96.  The
idea is simply to get to the end of the game.  You've only one
life, so no mistakes can be made.

Useless part 2 is here from Robert Brady

There's a short SAMPaint guide from R.I.P. '96 which shows you
how to create a very clever effect which I didn't think was
possible on SAMPaint.  But it is, and it's not that complicated
and you can see the result from the menu logo.

Last Stand II is a two player shoot-em-up from Robert Brady.
Gun the enemy to death with the various weapons at your
disposal.  The keys are displayed at the start of the game.
CA            C How Easy It Is To Program A Game?

Coming up next is John Eyre's third and final part to his C
guide.  If anyone has any queries or wants amnything explained
in more detail then please write in.  That way you'll get it,
and we'll have a lot more information for C programmers.

Many thanks for the articles, John.  You've not only helped a
lot of people learn C, but you've packed out the editorials!

Just to fill the gap below, could I make another plea for more
articles.  Anything SAM related is perfect, but also send
non-SAM articles.  You'll get tons of adulation, and Colin
Macdonald will buy you a drink if you ask him at a SAM show
(maybe).






JE                      C Guide - Part 3

                 Step 3 - Preparation functions

We will need to change main() again, it should be modified to:

main()

{
 char key;

 initialise ();
 setup ();
 do
  {
   key=getch ();
   move_cursor (key);
  }
 while (key != 'q' && key != 'Q');
}

JE                          C Guide

A do,while loop is used again, so that the move_cursor function
can be repeatedly called to move the cursor around. Since we
don't want an infinite loop, pressing the Q key is used as the
exit condition. Note the != means the use of negative logic
which requires && when perhaps || might seem more obvious.

void move_cursor (char key)

 {
  int x, y;

  x=xx;                       // store old co-ords in x and y
  y=yy;
  switch (key)
   {
    case 8:                   // left
     {
      if (xx) xx-= 1;
      break ;
JE                          C Guide

     }
    case 9:                   // right
     {
      if (xx= 0 && y= 0 && x32)        // if mine marked
        pen (15);                // use white pen
       else
        pen (0);                 // if not use black pen
       at (i+1,j);
       printf ("*");
      }
     else
      {
       if (map [i][j]>= 32)      // if not a mine but marked
        {                        // print "?"
JE                          C Guide

         pen (0);
         at (i+1,j);
         printf ("?");
        }
      }
    }
 }


The following function prototypes need to be declared:

     void end_game ();
     void show_mines ();


Once the text has been saved, the code compiled and the program
run to prove it all works, then its time to think about
producing a binary file which can be run outside of the SAM C
IDE. To do this you must select YES against the save object code
JE                          C Guide

option on the compile menu. The code will be saved in a file
with a name ending in .bin.

If you are working with the standard SAM C configuration and
have not changed the ORG address then the object code will start
at address 32768 and the game can be run from BASIC by loading
the code file followed by CALL 32768. Since no attempt has been
made to set palette colours within the minefield game, it could
be run after a program with unsuitable colours, so it might be
wise to reset the defaults.

BASIC program to load and run the game:

 10 PALETTE
 20 LOAD "mines.bin" code
 30 CALL 32768
 40 SAVE "mines" LINE 10

I hope that this example has helped in some way. C is not the
JE                          C Guide

easiest of programming languages to pick up and if you are
finding it hard going, don't worry, you won't be the only one.
Remember, as with most things, the best way to learn C is to get
stuck in and use it as much as you can.

CA                       Inbetween Bit

  For John's a jolly good fellow,
  For John's a jolly good fellow,
  For John's a jolly good fe-e-looooow,
  And so say all of us...

And next up, something completely different.  It's from a
different John - John Teare, ex SAM 2 SAM person.  John's got a
very good article writing skill, and although you may not agree
totally with his views, there's plenty to think about.  Any
response to John's first article will be more than welcome.
Take it away John (and thanks very much indeed)...

JT   Why on earth isn't there more games on the SAM  Coupe?
                         By John Teare

It's a pain isn't it? You bought your SAM thinking it was  going
to be the new Spectrum, thinking that  all  the  major  software
house were going to churn out their top titles  in  SAM  format,
thinking that the 16-bit games that didn't get converted  on  to
the Spectrum were going to appear on SAM  format.You  were  just
waiting patiently for it to happen.And it didn't.

"Technically  speaking, Strider should  only take us  4 weeks to
produce.  All we  have  to do  is mix  the  ST graphics  and the
Spectrum code  and there you  have it,  our first SAM  game!"
                          Quote-US Gold

Well, it may seem grim but it's unlikely that the major software
houses will ever support SAM now.After neglecting the machine in
its incubation they won't want to turn round and say:
"O.K. we were wrong. The SAM is a super machine!"
They'll just carry on ignoring all us software hungry users. And
we'll carry on waiting for the surge of software to happen.
JT                       SAM Games...?

But are the major software houses to blame? If they did begin to
release games on SAM, would  we buy them? The evidence  suggests
that we wouldn't. Prince of Persia is the best SAM title to date
but it's only managed to shift 2000 copies. Considering the same
game  on Amiga format shifted  in excess of 20  000 it does give
the softcos.  an argument. What's  the point  in spending  money
developing, producing, advertising and finally, marketing a game
when no-one is going to buy it? Why  spend time producing a game
on SAM when the same game will sell 10 times as much on Amiga or
ST? What the big companies fail  to realise is that by producing
for SAM the market would grow. Many Spectrum users don't want to
upgrade to SAM because there is an incredible lack of games  for
the machine, but if there were games then they wouldn't hesitate
to make the switch.

"We don't produce for SAM anymore because the sales figures were
terrible"-Quote-Enigma Variations.

So what future is there for SAM games?
JT                       SAM Games...?

Well, FRED Publishing are churning out  great  titles  regularly
including  Lemmings  and  SAMPaint,  REVELATION  will  keep   on
producing the games until there is no demand  for  them.We  also
have many good Spectrum titles to fall back on,  but  sadly  the
number of new Spectrum  releases  is  now  declining  and  major
publishers are leaving the machine behind.There will  always  be
games for SAM, maybe not in great abundance but maybe that is  a
good thing.The more games you get the  more  dross  you  get(The
more games you get the more users you get!!). So  maybe  SAM  is
stuck with two software houses producing, maybe more will get in
on the act. Who cares? The SAM Coupe is the best  8-bit  machine
currently available and can easily rival th 16-bitters games  or
no games, major software house or no major software houses.

                        John Teare 1993




CA                     Cor, Thanks Chaps

Haggis and Mash Potato : COLIN 'Premier' MACDONALD
Fish Fingers and Chips : COLIN 'Black Label' ANDERTON

   THE PEOPLE WHO MOST DESERVE TO WIN LOTS OF MONEY ARE....

   John Eyre             David Zambonini    Robert Brady
   John Teare            Les Quinn          John Smiths
   Andrew Hodgekinson    MJD Productions    R.I.P. 96
   Andrew Collier        Victor Cooper      Colin Anderton

FRED 73 will be out between             [redacted]
tommorrow and 3 months time from:

 ****  *****  ****   ****
  *     *   *  *      *  *         /
   ***   ****   ****   *  *   is  /\
    *     *  *   *      *  *      \/
     *     *  *   ****   ***

Letters & Reviews

                  Letter From Andrew Chandler

Dear Colin ('Useless' as I should be called) Anderton

  Useless. USELESS!! USELESS!!!  [Cor, what a cracking start
                                    to a letters section! - CA]

That was a bit rich coming from the 'editor' of FRED 70.  Listed
below is a collection of errors from FRED 70:

    1) The Modules listed were NOT present on the disc!

    2) The supposed Modules listed were on FRED 69 (and don't
       you go giving me any of this "that's why they weren't on
       FRED 70 disc" excuse neither matey).

    3) The Fantasy Fred League data was NOT on the disc.

Which brings me on nicely to the matter of my entry for FFL.  I
did indeed send off my team after FRED arrived on my doormat,
but I didn't have time to look through it before I sent the team
                  Letter From Andrew Chandler

off (exams you know).

Exams may be one excuse, but laziness is another (and Euro '96
and the break of Charles and Diana's marriage.....isn't it so
sad....boo hoo) (Sorry, got carried away there for a minute).

You even sent the issue out in the middle of the next month with
errors still present and it has nothing to do with the
duplicators. Which also reminds me that the on-body printing of
FRED 70 was pretty poor - normally it's very good.  Apart from
all this, the issue was still very good - just needs McDonald
(or is that McDonalds) to keep an eye on you.

Well, that's all.  I'm off to smoke a kipper while listening to
some Orbital.

                        Yours sincerely,

                                  Andrew Chandler
                  Letter From Andrew Chandler

P.S. Just in case you hadn't noticed (because you were too busy
making mistakes or something) this letter isn't REALLY a gripe,
it's just a light-hearted p*ss-take! (Uh oh.  Swearing again.
Sorry).

P.P.S. How can you have a team in the Fantasy Fred League if
your're the judge?  That's like the referee of a football match
belonging to one of the teams.  You even calculate the points
AND your decision is final - how do we know that you're not
adding points on to your team?  Eh?!  Try and find a smart
answer out of this one!  (I expect a good excuse/smart answer or
I will be deeoky disappointed)!!

P.P.P.S. I've just bought a second hand Amiga (spit) and now
have an RS232 link-up with SAM and so some Modules and screens
should be on the way.

P.P.P.P.S. Do the people whos Mods were listed on the latest
Fred but didn't appear this month get last months points again?
CA                  Reply To Andrew Chandler

Well, well.  Someone got out of the wrong side of bed this
morning, didn't they?

Where do I start?  Excuses are merely a substitution for
admission, so I shouldn't really use any.  However, it wasn't
really my fault.  I did correct the mistakes but sent the wrong
disc to Colin.

AND BESIDES, exams is a bloody good excuse.  For example, you
said that, and I quote, "I didn't have time to look through it
before I sent the team off (exams you know)".  Now come on.  If
you didn't have time to even look through FRED, then how could
anyone find the time to compile a whole issue??  Face it, pal,
I'm just incredible.

I do agree with you on one point though.  Colin Maccy isn't
doing a very good job of keeping an eye on me.  I won't be
writing him a very good reference....

CA                  Reply To Andrew Chandler

Andy, I hope that you're not insinuating that I might cheat at
Fantasy FRED League (erm, despite my team name).  The way I see
it, I should win.  I mean, shouldn't the editor of FRED know his
readers best?  I suppose I could write the names of my team out
hundreds of times in the editorial bit and win like that, but
basically, I'm an honest chap.  And besides, I wouldn't know
where to start in the programming to get it to add points to my
team.

Sorry if that wasn't humorous enough.  I hope you don't lose any
more faith in me because of my suprise seriousness (it'll be all
those late nights I'm having).

Aaaah!  I see why you're in a temper.  You've just wasted money
on an Amiga!  Tee hee hee.  That's cheered me up.

Mods don't give you any points, I don't think.  However, if you
convert the modules into e-tunes... hint, hint.

                  Letter From Andrew Collier

Dear Colin,

    Well it had to happen:  MNEMODemo2 has arrived!  I'm sure
you'll be able to find room on your #72 birthday issue.  [Ooh! A
cocky little bugger, aren't we? - CA]

The biggest problem may be allocating FFL points (Aside: the
data wasn't present on issue 70 like you said it was, also there
were two basic programs MODs and MODULES - one of them explained
the lack of mods on the disk, whereas the other was loaded by
the main menu...)  Anyway, I coded parts 0 and 1 but DMZ and Les
Quinn deserve more than 2 points each for coding parts 2 and 3
respectively.  The first five greets in my scrolly (which does
not end with Fashoom) are to David Zambonini, Martijn Groen, Rob
Pain, Roger Hartley and Michael Stocks. The second five mentions
in my second scrolly (which, I regret, does end with Fashooom)
are to David Zambonini, Andrew Collier, Roger Hartley, Colin
Anderton, (then me, me, me, me) and Stefan Drissen.

                   Letter From Andrew Collier

Les Quinn does not use Fashoom, and mentions only four names:
Himself, Wayne Coles, me and Colin Macdonald... All four tunes
are by Roger Hartley.

Have fun sorting that out - will birthday issue programs be
worth double points?  Are other coders quite as helpful with the
info they give you?

While I'm writing, have a word with your duplicators about track
skewing.  The disks are not exactly the same as the master,
assuming you format disks with SAMDos or Masterdos like
everybody else.  The different skew on their copy is the cause
of slow loading when the head moves between tracks, you can see
that a screen loads in chunks of 5K - one track - at a time.

And I don't like the small print used for the on-body printing
of issue 70 - okayY!  Whinge mode off... (but you did ask for
opinions!)

                   Letter From Andrew Collier

Now I'll let you load the demo in peace.

                   Andrew Collier

PS. Not that I'd ever say Colin Anderton was slow or
disorganised, but I don't remember getting a £5 voucher after
issue 68.... I may be wrong...












CA                  Reply To Andrew Collier

Oh dear, my head hurts.  FFL was never meant to be quite this
complicated.  I'll give all three of the main programmers 5
points each, how's that?  And I'm only giving points to the
first five names in the first scrolly.  That'll teach you to
betray WIC!FIB and not use Fashoooom every time.  Ho ho.
Although I might give you credit for useing it once in the
second part.  I'll see...

I must admit though, you have been the most helpful person so
far.  The other coders force me to sit down and read the whole
scrolly looking for hellos and waiting for the end (erm, not
that I wouldn't anyway - gulp!)

Oh yes, thankyou for pointing out my mistakes last month.  Much
appreciated....

You should always read the small print, Andrew (groan).  But
thanks for the info about track loading - we'll see what we can
do.  Didn't we knock that fiver off your subscription?
CA                 Help, I Need Somebody...


Someone rang FRED a week ago and asked for some technical help.
Naturally, with Colin and I being as thick as pig-s**t, we
couldn't help.  However, maybe our friends out there could...

This guy has a BTC-210 Colour Canon printer and needs to know
how he can get it working with SAMPaint.  Any information would
be gratfeully received.











                      Letter From R.I.P 96

Dear Colin,

Well, Fred 70 is here, and what an issue it is, or is it?

Well yes it was rather good wasn't it, some nice text bitties, 2
reviews and letters, some screens, a demo, a game, samples,
another game, an interview, e-tunes,jellytext, another game,
mods, adverts and finally bits and bobs.

Well better than 69 (and I'm not just saying that 'cus my game
was on it, fame and riches!, well one anyway) in several ways.

God it seems my FFL team is looking a bit like the Scotland
football team, crap in other words, but I can sense an
improvement soon.

Last months interview was cool to read but tell me why the
editor of SCUM thinks your second name is Anderson and not
Anderton?
                      Letter From R.I.P 96

Thanks for the review. Rob told me you would say it was crap,
but you didn't, so I was surprised there, but there are a few
points I would like to mention, that is of course if you will
let me.  [Little explanation.  This is referring to the review
of SAM2SAM I did on issue 70 - CA]

You said you got to a menu and had to figure out the controls,
well I presume you didn't read the very first bit upon loading
which explains all of the controls methods. Issue 15 has an
alternative selection method for non mouse owners where you can
select options as normal (a,b,c,etc) and you can use the cursors
as well.

What is it about the text reader that you don't like? Take most
readers round, they are all flip page or flip 5 page, S2S isn't
that different, its either flip page or goto page, goto allows
you to choose any persific page in the section, something that
nearly all sam mags DON'T have. But as the 5 page flip is
popular I have changed the reader to include it so it should be
                      Letter From R.I.P 96

better in that sense now, I might have misunderstood your
comments about the reader or you might have not noticed the
intro instructions, so I don't mean anything by it.

Anyway it was a fair review and I was surprised to say the
least, I'll send you a copy of 15 when I have finished for 72.

So see ya for now.

R.I.P 96

P.S it stands for Really Intelligent Person, not Rest In Peace.
No plugs this month or sick jokes, I must be ill or something!






CA                     Reply To R.I.P 96

I'm glad you enjoyed issue 70, and thanks for being the first
person to not have a go at me for the couple of mistakes!

You're a little bit harsh on the Scottish footy team, aren't
you?  I thought they were alright in Euro '96, and was gunning
for them to go through ahead of Holland.  But it's still dead
funny that England beat them.  Hurrah (again)!

Kevin Smythe thinks that it's really funny to call me Anderson
because he's just stupid.  You have to humour people like that.

I'm always 100% honest in reviews.  The issue that Rob Clayton
sent me to review was rubbish.  There was a lot of effort in it,
but it was ruined by dozens of blatant mistakes (many of which
meant you had to reset your SAM).  Rob's last issue was good, I
even tried to ring him to tell him, but he wasn't in.  I'm not
going to be unfair about anything, even if it is in competition
with FRED.

CA                     Reply to R.I.P 96

Seems like I was a bit dappy about the controls.  Earlier this
year I had a go at someone for not reading the controls on the
FRED text reader, then I go and do a similar thing!  Sorry.

The problem I had with your text reader was that you use the
pointer and sometimes it doesn't register the keypress.  It's
not a bad text-reader, but it can be irritating.

Really Intelligent Person?  Modest too!  You can see why it
could be misread though?

And congratulations on not including a plug this month!  I knew
you could do it!






                     Letter From John Teare

Dear Colin (hoping you're still editor!)

On the disk you'll find some of the text articles that I wrote
for SAM2SAM which, in your review, you mentioned you might like
to publish in FRED. Please feel free to do so, providing a
credit is given to me.


crashing on me as I used over 120 nodes. The other alternative
was (this will make sense to all SCADs programmers and no sense
to anyone who does not use SCADs - forgive me for indulging in
being 'boring' for a bit) to DROP the sprites as the furthest
one left or right hit the edge of the screen but the only way to
do this was by SYPOSing all the sprites all the time (or after a
specified loop) and this slowed things down to such a speed that
made it possible to build a garden shed during keypresses. I had
to go for the alternative which was to use nodes only on the far
sides of the screen. It works, but it looks stupid. Hopefully
version two will have the improvements required.
                     Letter From John Teare

Why, on American 'Crimewatch' type shows, do  they  always  play
dramatic music behind a speech by any presenter?

Don't be bored! Call 'Friends'... ...I'm watching far too much
late-night TV. ITV has a lot to answer for.

Any news on the SOLTRACKER from Stefan? It sounded  really  cool
way back in issue 58 but, as with many projects, we  have  heard
little more since then. (Of course, as I'm not currently a  FRED
subber I'll be talking complete bo****ks but I'll gamble.)

If I could just squeeze a plug in for MDL's brand new SAM2SAM.
It's full of lovely graphics, menu systems that work and has the
most complete guide to SAM software available anywhere.

Anyway, I hope to be FREDing again shortly, and until that  time
I hope you don't grow into an asparagus sandwhich. Hem.

                          John Teare.
CA                    Reply To John Teare

Thanks for the articles, John.

I've left the SCADs info in because it may be helpful for other
programmers.

SOLTRACKER, as far as I know, is still in production.  Stefan's
working on a couple of things which should burst onto the market
pretty soon...

You can always tell a helpful person because my reply is always
really short and tend to have lots of 'Thanks' everywhere.
Anyway, I'm off to have a Ready Salted Crisp and Salad Cream
sandwich.  Yum.  None of this asparagus nonsense.

Star Trek: The Useless Ones (Ctd.)

"Captain's Log. Stardate 46393.7. Just arrived at Golfholic, as
it has been nicknamed by my crew. Nothing else to report."

"Standard orbit, Mr. Sulu," ordered Anderton.

"Standard oribt, sir," said Sulu as he pressed the Standard
Orbit button.

"Scan for the outpost, Commander Cookie," said MacDonald.

"Scanning. Found it. It's there," he said, pointing. "Just near
that round thing there."

"That's not a round thing. That's a moon, a natural satellite,"
replied MacDonald, scathingly.

"Yes, sir. However, it is also round," shot back Cooke.

"Don't blind me with science," shouted MacDonald. "It is a
moon! Anyway," he continued, regaining his composure. "Set

course for it, and bring us to within phaser range. Shields up.
Orange Alert. Commander Anderton, you have the bridge."

Captain MacDonald left the Bridge for his Ready Room, and
locked it. Back in the bridge, everyone there was preparing for
combat. Anderton was sitting in the Captain's chair.

"Sir," said Round. "We are being hailed."

"Put them on screen," replied Anderton.

Angus Dewdrop, one of FBC's news reporters appeared on screen.

"Oh, it's you. Go away," shouted Anderton.

"Commander, might I just ask a few questions?"

"No. End transmission," replied Anderton. "Ready phasers. Load
photon torpedoes. Fire."


"Aye, sir," replied Round.

The phaser fire rocked the station slightly.

The photon torpedo made the station wobble a bit, and knocked a
young Romulan off a swing. He grazed his knee quite badly, but
that was nothing compared to what he was about to become.

The Grapefruit aimed a photon torpedo at the outpost's power
generation thingy, and fired it. It missed. It hit the
probability generator instead. The damage to the probability
drive turned all the Romulans into cottage cheese. 	"Hail
Admiral Nechayev."

"On screen," said Round.

Admiral Nechayev looked up from her desk, and said "Done it?"

"Yes."


"Good. Go back to DS9. There, you will recieve details of your
next assignment," she said.

"Aye, sir. Grapefruit out. Sulu, set course for DS9. Warp 4.
Engage."

"Aye, sir."

Anderton tapped his communicator. "Anderton to MacDonald.
Captain, you can come out now."

"First Officers's Log. Stardate 46395.2. Nothing to report."

Lieutenant Round was off sick that morning, so Lieutenant
Skardon was replacing him as tactical officer. Why Skardon
graduated from the academy no-one knew.

"Commander, we are recieving a hail," he said.

"How do you know, you can't read?" asked Anderton, because

MacDonald had not yet come out of his ready room, despite being
told that all was safe repeatedly. Anderton was considering
sending a search party into the ready room to look for him if he
didn't come out within a few hours.

"I don't know, sir, I was just joking," replied Skardon.

"Joking! About ship's operations! That is outrageous. It is the
worst possible form of abuse of Starfleet time possible. This is
worse than disgusting. This is mutiny, Mr. Skardon. I'll tell
the Captain. I'll arrange a court-martial when we arrive at Deep
Space Nine. Yes, I will. I will. But that will be in a few
weeks. So you are going to be held in the brig for a few weeks.
TRANSPORTER ROOM! Beam Lieutenant Skardon to the Brig. BRIG!
Activate force fields upon recieving Lieutenant Skardon.
Anderton out."

Lieutenant Skardon beamed away before Anderton's eyes.

"Captain's Log. Stardate 46395.4. Pending further

experimentation, I have placed the transporters off-limits to
everyone without my permission. Doctor Drissen has little hope
of Lieutenant Skardon making a full recovery."

By the time that the Grapefruit had arrived at Deep Space Nine,
Lieutenant Skardon was out of intensive care. Drissen had
finished re-wiring his DNA back to what it was. The nvestigation
into what happened was also nearing completion.

According to Lieutenant Commander Cooke, it was caused by
Skardon carrying a device known as a Transportation Repeller.
Marketed by Nagus Technologies, it stopped transporters from
locking onto people properly. It also played havok with
transporter signals.

Since these devices were banned on Starfleet ships, it was
Skardon's fault. He could be prosecuted. But first he had to
wake up.

"Captain's Log. Stardate 46423.9. We have arrived at Deep Space

Nine for our next mission."

Captain MacDonald, Commander Anderton and Lieutenant Commander
Cookie walked along the promenade towards the main turbolift,
the one which would take them to Ops. As they walked, they saw
an incredibly varied population - Humans, Bajorans, Klingons,
Ferengi, things with sticky out heads, Bolians, the odd Vulcan
or two. There were many things they did not even recognise, like
that thing that was sitting at Quark's bar with the
potato-like-head. In a tailor's shop there was a Cardassian.
Funny, having that on Deep Space Nine. Once in the turbolift
they ordered it to Ops, and it took them there, with the mininum
of fuss, and the maximum of acceleration. Obviously the
station's turbolifts had not been recalibrated for
non-Cardassians.

As Ops came into view, Commander Sisko looked at them and
pulled out an isolinear chip from his pocket.

"Commander Sisko," said MacDonald. "I'm Captain MacDonald, this

is Commander Anderton, and Lieutenant Commander Cooke. We
understand you have our mission for us?"

"Yes. It's on this chip. I'm sorry I can't spare more time, but
our Chief Engineer has gone mad. He's talking all funny."

"Funny?" asked Cooke "In what way?"

"He's using the wrong words."

"Do you know why?"

"No. Haven't got a clue. Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me,
I've got some work to do."

"Of course," said MacDonald. "MacDonald to Grapefruit. Beam us
to the conference lounge."

"Aye, sir," said the transporter person, and the command crew
of the Grapefruit shimmerred away from Deep Space Nine

operations.

The Conference lounge was unoccupied and MacDonald immediately
put the data-chip in the hole provided for it, whilst Anderton
and Cookie locked the door and scanned for bugging devices.

An image of a Borg ship appeared on the screen.

"This ship, similar to the one encountered at Wolf 359 two
years ago, was sighted in unexplored space beyond Bajor by the
Quadros Sixteen Probe two months ago. It's reported speed and
heading place it on course for Bajor, arriving at Stardate
46500. It is not yet in range of DS9's super-long-range
scanners, but is closing at warp 7. Your mission is to destroy
it, using any means necessary. The USS Helical and the USS
Olympiad will be at your disposal in addition to the
Grapefruit."

"Captain's Log. Stardate 46453.9. Due to a lack of proper
starships, the Grapefruit has been assigned, along with the

Helical and the Olympiad, to destroy the ship designated BC2. We
are just picking them up on long-range sensors."

"They are entering visual range."

"On screen."

The massive Borg ship was massive. It filled the entire
viewscreen.

"What mag factor are we using?"

"Maximum magnification."

"That explains it. Fill the screen with the borg ship, and
activate magnification caption."

"Aye, sir," said Round, now ready for duty.

The Borg ship filled the creen. The magnification factor was

about 1m = 10 degrees.

"What the smeg is that supposed to mean?" asked MacDonald.

"It means that 1m on the screen is the same as 10 degrees in
real life," replied Cooke.

"Well, how big is that in real life, then, smart arse?" shouted
MacDonald, rapidly losing his temper.

"About 8km along each side. Its about 10km away now."

"I guess we'd better raise the shields now," said Anderton.

"Yes. Raise the shields. Red alert. Ready phasers. Load photon
torpedoes! Let fly the dogs of war! No. Hail them, Round," said
MacDonald.

Round pressed the 'hail' button.


"I am Captain MacDonald of the Federation Starship Grapefruit.
You will sod off immediatley, you gibbons. Helicopters Eat!"

"You what, sir?" asked Cooke.

"Semi-colonic Irrigation! Cookie, eat a square sawdust
elephant."

"Aye, sir," said Cooke.

"Belay that order," interjected Anderton.

"Thanks. What's wrong with him? Drissen!" shouted Cooke.

"I haven't got a clue what you're on about. I'm in sickbay
remember," replied Drissen over the comlink.

"Good point. Get up here right away. The Captain's started
talking funny," said Cooke.


"On my way. Drissen out."

"What's with him? Hmm. Didn't Sisko say something about O'Brien
talking funny?" asked Anderton.

"Yes. Maybe it's contagious," theorised Cooke.

"Yeah. Let's hail DS9. Round. Do it," said Anderton.

"Hailing them now, sir," said Round. "What about the Borg,
sir?"

"They can wait. Just keep firing at them. Tell the Helical and
the Olympiad to go round the borg ship and keep firing at it.
Keep them at maximum impulse. With any luck, the Borg won't be
able to go fast enough," replied Anderton, the master tactician.

"Contact with DS9. On screen."

On the screen was Quark. Anderton recognised him because he had

spent some time on DS9, and had a go on one of the Dabo tables.
Quark was, of course, the owner of the bar/casino thing.

"What the smeg are you doing in ops?"

"Oh, hadn't you heard? The crew of DS9 has been affected by a
plague that causes people to speak funny. The only people to be
affected are me, Odo and Kira. Kira's gone to Bajor for help.
Odo's in one of the docking pylons trying to stop a ship from
exploding the station, and I'm here, in charge of Ops. So what
do you want?"

"We wouldn't mind a cure, actually," replied Hamytlon.

"Well, I'll be sure to get back to you when they've found one.
Deep Space Nine out," said Quark.

The screensaver activated. This time it was just some silly
graphs with supposedly humorous captions.


The turbolift door opened.

Doctor Stephen Drissen stepped into the Bridge and asked "Where
is he?"

"Here."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's talking all wierd," said Anderton.

"I'll just scan his brain," said Drissen as he waved a tricorder
around in the air.

"Hmmm. He's got a phasia. Don't know how. Send him on a
shuttlecraft back to Deep Space Nine. Maybe they've found a cure
by now."

"Thankyou, Doctor. Anderton to Round. You are being assigned to
pilot the Icicle to Deep Space Nine, with Captain MacDonald as

your passenger. Get ready now. Anderton out. Mr. Sulu, Mr.
Round, listen very carefully. Do exactly as I say. Hail the
Helical and the Olympiad, tell them to shoot the Borg ship
whilst going towards it at warp 9.6 with photon torpedoes.
Launch the photon torpedoes as late as possible. Sulu - set
course away from the Borg ship at warp 9.8, stop after a second,
and hold position. Engage."

"Aye, sir."

"The Helical is firing torpedoes. The Olympiad is firing
torpedoes. 5% damage to the Borg ship. Nice."

"Right, tell the Helical and the Olympiad to dock, evac all the
Helical's crew to the Olympiad. Whilst they are doing that, keep
the Borg distracted."

A few minutes passed. By that time, the Borg were beginning to
become impatient.


"They've evaced, sir."

"Good. Get into the Helical's computer. Set them on a collision
course with the Borg, at the closest it can go to warp 10. I
don't care about safety limits. Divert all power to the warp
engines. Including shields. Do not engage. Get ready to turn
antimatter containment off at the last possible moment."

 "Doing that now, sir. Borg destruction ready and awaiting your
command, sir."

"Good. Now! Engage!"

The Helical warped off at warp 9.99, a speed that it could only
maintain for a few seconds. It did not have to maintain it for
long. After a few picoseconds, the antimatter containment was
turned off, and some of the pods of antimatter obliterated the
ship. There was still a lot of antimatter left over, which went
flying towards the Borg ship at warp 9.99. It completely
devestated the Borg ship. Crippled, it began firing at the

Olympiad and the Grapefruit.

The Olympiad and the Grapefruit activated their tractor beams
and towed the Borg ship into the star they were near.

"Station Log. Stardate 46574.0. The alien Tosk is still a bit
wierd. O'Brien is wondering what's going on with him. Captain
MacDonald has made a full recovery. Meanwhile, the trial of
Lieutenant Skardon has begun."

"Lieutenant Skardon, you stand here charged with munity. How do
you plead?" asked the Aspil.

"Not guilty," replied Skardon.

"State will now place it's case," said the Aspil.

The prosector, a Captain Boing, stood up. She put her case on
the witness box, and walked to the back of the courtroom.


"Defence will now place it's case," said the Aspil. 	The
defence attorney, Ralph Phines, who has been mentioned earlier,
stood up, put his case on the witness stand, and joined Boing at
the back of the court.

"Case is adjourned," said the Aspil. "For two years."

"Today, on FBC News, we bring you the trial of the year.
Lieutenant Skardon, the first person this year to be charged
with mutiny, today had his case adjourned for two years. But
first, we bring you these important messages," said the
newsreader.

He waited for a second or two for the adverts to fade in. He
picked up a cup of coffee from the replicated tray that it was
standing in, and sipped it. Bit hot, maybe. He put it back under
the desk, and waited for the adverts to finish.

There was a sudden crashing noise behind Captain MacDonald. He
turned round... It couldn't be... It was...


                       To be continued...

Tune in next time for another exciting epic saga in the series
that is this.

What was that noise? Will Ralph Phines feature again? What will
happen to Lieutenant Skardon?

All will become clear, in the next part of

                  STAR TREK : THE USELESS ONES

That and more, coming soon (if you are lucky)

Created by : Robert Brady.
Written by : Robert Brady.

Based upon Star Trek, Star Trek : The Next Generation, Star Trek
: Deep Space Nine.